Jersey Shore

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B- | 2 USERS: A+
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Karma's a Bitch

That night, Vinnie takes an informal house poll about Deena's boobs. Pauly insists they're real because he touched them. JWOWW doesn't give a flip and (in my head) walks off singing, "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm still Jenni from the doc." Deena walks in on the conversation and gamely plays along, explaining to the boys that boobs are made of fat and that they only fill up with milk when you're preggers. Somehow this distracts and/or confuses Vinny and Pauly enough that their game of toss ends with Vinny getting smacked in the face with a ball. Serves him right for not knowing a GD thing about breasts. What are they teaching the children of Staten Island, I ask you?! With that, Vinny spills his drink and exclaims, "Ohhhh, I got juice all over me!" Fires back Pauly, "That's what she said!" Ba dum bum.

And speaking of bums! Lest ye think the conversation about Deena's anatomy was over, the stream of thought wanders to the fact that the guys think Deena's ass is fake, too. On the upside, we get the first gratuitous shot of JWOWW's boulder cleavage for the season, so let's just call this potentially sexist and/or objectifying moment a win for now.

The night wears on, and it's 20 minutes until the cabs are set to arrive. Sammi suspects Ronnie, who's actively moping around, won't have enough time to get ready (making his primping rituals at least twice as long as mine). Snooki says it's no shock that SamRo 2.0 are segregating themselves from the group yet again. With that, Vinny busts out the premier "T-Shirt Time" rap, and they're off... ish. After Sitch checks himself out in the mirror for 10 minutes and Vinny mocks him for 30 seconds for good measure.

Karma! There is shaking, thrusting, groping, scoping, stalking... just like old times. Throw in some panty-less back walkovers, and I'm officially in Guido heaven. Meanwhile, over in Guido hell is Vinny, who is being tracked by the Jersey Shore equivalent of a bloodhound -- the fearsome grenade. After a few minutes of evasive maneuvers, he calls her out on her obsessive proximity. She insists she's not following him, so he walks away and asks Pauly to shield him. Not one minute later, Pauly tells Vinny to turn around, and the stalker is literally breathing down his neck.

He eventually escapes behind a Chinese folding screen, and the world rights itself once Sitch pulls up his shirt to reveal those award-winning abs -- and by "award-winning" I mean "kicked off Dancing with the Stars fourth" -- some girls offer to make out with each other, JWOWW smacks Snooki's grinding ass, and an unfortunate homely girl is caught on camera wearing an awful pink hair clip. The Jersey Shore takes all kinds, y'all. As such, Snooki randomly decides to hide in a bush. No explanation is offered. Like explaining the punch line to a joke, trying to verbalize the motivations behind Snooki's actions would just rob them of their magic.

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Jersey Shore

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