Deena heads to the bed and talks up her chastity ("I don't do sex with randoms") as Snooki wonders if they can go in and watch yet. JWOWW: "Give it five minutes 'cause it just got awkward." So the porn music begins as Snooki cures her boredom by waddling into the bedroom to stand in the corner like that girl from The Ring and watch Deena have sex. To the steady creak of the mattress springs, she decides to add her own soundtrack, making heaving noises. Joey looks out into the darkness warily as Snooki's all, "JK, I love you!" She plops into her bed as Deena pulls Joey back into her. And that, friends, will be the opening chapter of my forthcoming soft-core beach novel Meatball Midnight. (Truthfully, though, the sex couldn't have been that great because, when Joey removes the sheet, he's still wearing his boxers. Or is that how the kids are doing it these days?)
Bonus: Sammi throws a water balloon at the kids while they eat dinner. Ronnie gets soaked. He rises and walks away, just like Mr. Darcy emerging from the lake at Pemberley... only ape-ier.
The next morning, Deena basks in the after-smush glow, and Sammi admits, "You can fall in love at the Jersey Shore. You never know what'll happen." Well, for starters, your glasses will probably get broken. And your spirit. It's not all unabated bliss, though. Deena has a backache, and she doesn't know if it's from gorilla banging or Jersey Turnpiking. Meatball problems! Vinny offers to stretch her out but must retreat when her little Meatball feet prove too stinky to be near.
A bit later, Sitch calls Unit to let him know Operation: Jump Jionni is still on. He puts it ever so delicately: "I feel bad that every time he's kissing his girl, he's kissing my [Li'l Sitch]."
That night, JWOWW prepares for her first post-makeup date with Roger by putting on not just the sluttiest dress I've ever seen her wear, but perhaps the sluttiest dress in all of creation. The creator of Filthy Couture has outdone herself! JWOWW explains, "I am wearing this out tonight to show Roger there are two big reasons why he stay with me." (Refer to previous "tittylicious" comment.) Snooki: "That's the JWOWW that we love." Truly, I feel like even Frederick's of Hollywood would look at that dress and be, like, "Nah, too whorish." Basically, take Morticia Addams, remove 30 yards of fabric, shape the remainder into Vivian's hooker dress from Pretty Woman, remove another 15 yards of excess fabric, strategically add some Flava Flav chains, then stretch the scraps of fabric that haven't relented over two mammoth flesh boulders. If you don't have a strong visual in your head yet, I'll point to this image.