Jersey Shore
Love at the Jersey Shore

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now!
Gateau Get Through This

Sitch heads to the duck phone to get back-up. His friend Second-Fiddle Bobby informs him The Unit is still in Florida, which deeply disappoints old Sitchy: "Looks like the master plan is derailed for another night." [Ed. note: terms "master" and "plan" used very loosely].

Somehow he manages to pick up the pieces of his Unit-broken heart and head out to Karma with his roomies (who are looking extra tittylicious tonight, no?). He spots Bobby and asks, "How the hell are you, you big monkey?" That is going to be my new one-size-fits-all greeting. LOVE. IT.

Over at the bar, the girls down copious shots in honor of Paula's birthday. Snooki explains her complete dismissal of a medical diagnosis as such: "My doctor told me not to drink a lot, and I knew it was going to be so hard not to drink. So I just gave in, and I drank... and I drank... and I drank." She adds, "Honestly, I drank so much that my friggin' UTI was drunk. So now I know he's happy, I'm happy... everybody's happy." Yeah, take that logic to AA, sister. (And since when did a UTI become a he?)

Sitch finds Paula and wishes her a happy birthday. Well, technically she kind of has to nudge him into it, but at least he does remember. He gets a goofy smile on his face that's actually kind of adorable. And then they start making out, Paula lifts up his shirt and starts rubbing on his Situation, and Sitchy tells us, "For Paula's birthday, we're definitely smashing." Okay, I think I'm going to throw up before the shots kick in, and the girls have to. (Have you noticed how they never vomit on this show? Obviously, that's a deliberate editorial choice. But why? So as not to spoil the show's "glamour"? Pshaw...)

The gang leaves Karma. Sitch carries Paul down the street caveman-style while smacking her on the ass frequently. She screams about her camel toe, which Pauly assures her is perfectly fine on her birthday. They arrive home, and Sitch announces, "Birthday sex!" First they go up to the roof deck, and have a lovey-dovey moment as they talk about how it's taken them three years to get to this point. Sitch says he chooses her over everyone, which can't be that hard of a choice since he has like -13 friends, including The Unit. Still, she says it makes her feel special. They smooch as Sitch admits that it's hard for him to wife up, but that may just be where he's headed.

The next morning, Paula brags about her birthday sex to Sammi as Sammi waits for Snooki to get ready to work. Sammi approves -- both of the birthday sex and of Paula in general. She says that she thinks Sitch really does care for Paula deep down. Okay, I know this is the utterly wrong place and context to suddenly get morals, but what the eff kind of world is this when you have to justify that someone actually likes somebody they're having sex with? Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but shouldn't that just be an assumed part of the deal? Okay, done. Sometimes I just need to get arbitrarily and inappropriately indignant to remind myself that my heart still beats and my entire purpose in this world isn't to be objectified by some hair-gelled, tattooed cretin. (But, yeah, Pauly could still totally eat my cake.) Anyhow, Sitch escorts Paula out on the way to work with the girls, and Snooki calls it "the hottest walk of shame [she's] ever seen."

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Jersey Shore




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