Jersey Shore
Meatball Mashup

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B | Grade It Now!
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"Whaddayagonnadowhadeva..."

Lord only knows how long they've been at it because eventually the guys have changed and located them. Ronnie rams his junk into Snooki's ass as a greeting. As you do. They tell them need to head back to the hotel to change because dinner is in less than two hours, but the girls are on the party train, and they're not about to get off in Boringville. So the dance party continues, including Snooki playing the bull in a very rudimentary paso doble. So into character does she get that she charges right past Deena and into a bush. Vinny worries the two of them won't even make it to dinner at this rate. In case you were worried, she's fine. She simply keeps yelling, "I couldn't stop! I couldn't stop! I couldn't stop!" And that, my friends, will be the thesis statement of the night.

Back at the hotel, JWOWW and Sammi get ready for the night and talk about Team Meatballs. JWOWW thinks they're "so similar it's creepy." Back at the... ummm... tent? For brevity's sake, let's just call it the shitshow. Back there, Snooki has crafted a new dance move. I like to call it the "Kitty Likes To Scratch." She is literally lying on her back, pawing her hands and feet like a cat. Even The Situation thinks she looks like a buffoon. Snooki, you in danger girl. Not one to be outdone, Deena crafts her own dance move, the "Whoops, I Lost My Pants!" Basically, you dance so hard your damn underwear (or, in this case, string bikini) fall off. Pauly gives her credit for her tenacity, and even Deena wonders later in an interview, "It's only Jersey girls who can dance so hard their underwear comes off. Who the hell does shit like this?" You, Deena. It's always been you.

Embarrassed by this unfolding disaster -- and probably realizing, as Sammi and JWOWW did, that they'll be holding hair back soon enough if they don't cut loose -- the guys make tracks. One of them says, "Holy shit! One more shot and she's blacked out!" Really?! One more? Snooki has been way less drunk than this and blacked out. I'd say we're well past that tipping point. Witness: Snooki has pulled down her top low enough to reveal nip like she's at friggin' Mardi Gras. On the upside, the couple wearing American flag T-shirts nearby seem to be enjoying the spectacle. Did I mention it's still daylight?

A bit later, everyone else is talking trash about Team Meatballs on the way to dinner. Proving my theory about the dedication to friendship these guys have, Sammi says she and JWOWW have formed a theory that Snooki and Deena are "gonna be abducted [and] we don't want to deal with it." Nice. Very nice. Everyone arrives at dinner except for the Meatballs, who have finally decided it's time to go home and get gussied up for the night out. At the restaurant, Ronnie reports how he saw Snooki barrel into the bush "like how Mike ran into a wall." While they order and get excited for il club, the girls arrive home, where Snooki wets herself. The gang is paying for their dinner when Team Meatballs arrive, drinks in hand. Everyone sits around pissily while the Meatballs eat their dinner, belch loudly, and spill their drinks all over the place. Sensing the tension, Team Meatballs strategize to stick together because, says Snooki, "If we both get crazy, it's not a big deal." Oh, sweet Snookums, that bridge is crossed and burned, girl.

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Jersey Shore

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