Previously: Never has an epistle wreaked such havoc! Then again, this is a world in which Ronnie gets a lot of ass and Sammi cries herself to sleep. Things are a little pear-shaped, is all I'm saying.
We are greeted this fine evening in Miami by an ungodly shriek. Of course this shriek is from Snooki, and as luck would have it, she's wearing a sombrero. That's Mexican for "shrieking hat." You didn't know that? On this particular occasion, Snooki screams out into the night not because her children have been murdered or because she's forced to choose between the death of all her housemates and a lifetime of reruns of this very show. Nope, she's just screaming 'cause she's bored. As you do. She's bored enough to drink a shot glass full of cigarette ash. Also? To creep her way into each of the male roommates' beds to see which is "comfy enough" for her. She lands in Vinny's. Smushing ensues, including but not limited to Snooki falling in between the bed and the wall. Because she's the size of a jacked-up teacup poodle.
The next morning, those crazy kids are still snoozing, Vinny with his hand still a-cusp Snooki's ample breast. Snooki eventually wakes up and decides to make a break for it before any of the roommates find out. Vinny interviews that he's "DTS," Down To Snuggle, and doesn't care as long as his roommates don't find out. Cut to shots of various roommates waking up unawares, including a shot that proves that The Situation is a million times more ruggedly attractive without all of the gel and put-on douchebaggery. Granted, the shot's in black and white, which also makes just about anyone more attractive...
Vinny's plan to keep his DTS on the DL is immediately foiled when Snooki tells Sammi about hooking up with the V-Man the night before. Not only does she give the basics, she elaborates that getting with Vinny was "like putting, like, a watermelon into, like, a pinhole." Wow, that was way more than I ever wanted to know. On the upshot, I bet Vinny's popularity with non-Jersey chicks just skyrocketed.
Meanwhile, all the ladies (minus Sammi) head off to the beach. They catch up on the latest developments in the Sammi-Ronnie saga: No one knows for sure who wrote the note (except, Snooki, JWOWW, and Angelina, who is keeping shockingly mum), and Sammi is an idiot with low standards. So nothing new then?
Back at the house, Sitch tells Sammi that she's getting screwed (literally and metaphorically) by Ronnie. He basically confirms everything in the note and brings her to tears. She says she's done. For the billionth time.