Jersey Shore
Nothing But Nice

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Lady Lola: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Cocksure

Snooki decides they need to celebrate Vinny being back with some good old-fashioned day drinking. She hopes the whole group will participate, which mainly means she doesn't want The Situation to slip off like he always does. The kids get ready, though there are some notable takeaways. 1.) Pauly (in a DayGlo yellow baseball cap, mind you) looks at himself in the mirror, then at the camera, and says, "If you look up 'Too Much Swag' in the dictionary, you'll see a big old picture of my face." 2.) Deena sits on top of Snooki's breasts and bounces up and down. Just a snapshot of the day-to-day at 1209 Ocean Terrace.

JWOWW calls Roger again. He does not answer. Again. Snooki remembers peeing herself the night before and decides to take defensive measures today and puts booty shorts on top of her thong. Because if you're going to wet yourself, you really want to get as much fabric up in there as possible, I guess? Or perhaps in only the thong, she feared it would be more likely to suffer the same fate as her blonde doppelganger.

Giving credence to my earlier speculation, when Sitch offers to spray Ronnie with some Bod spray (as conscientious bros are wont to do), Ronnie immediately heads down to the confessional to ask, "What is he up to? And when is he going to blow up the house?" It would have been better for him to ask these questions to actual producers, but... baby steps... Then he goes upstairs and says this exact same thing to The Situation. Because it's always a great idea to confront a suspected terrorist (Ronnie's word, not mine) and let him know you're on to his plots. For his part, Sitchy claims he knows how hated he was in Italy and only wants people to like him. What's the guido equivalent of the world's smallest violin? The world's quietest grenade whistle?

As the kids head out, the Meatballs show off their runway walks, incognizant of the fact that even standing on each other's shoulders, they wouldn't be tall enough to model for real. Also Deena sings for at least the second time this episode. Has she turned into Jess from New Girl? That barely works for Zooey Deschanel, so I don't recommend it for Deena.

They arrive at Jenk's and, as predicted, Sitch jumps ship almost immediately with a mantourage of randoms that he claims are his bros. He also claims he's "native" to this area, which is not technically true (he grew up an hour away). Whatever, we can't be asked to worry about it because we have Snooki's urinary tract to consider. She has self-diagnosed an infection in her nether regions. Well, either that or pregnancy -- which warrants a "Bish, pleez" look from Deena. Indeed, Deena is quite the task mistress -- Snooki asks, "If I piss blood, can we go to the doctor tonight?" Deena doesn't mull it over for even half a second before shutting her down: "No, tomorrow." It's a good thing JWOWW was more generous of time and spirit back in Italy. Snooki gets her UTI on, then leaves the bathroom, this time making a proclamation that she isn't washing her hands. Deena validates her, saying, "Yeah, I don't ever do it." Dicks of the world, you've been warned. Then Snooki draws on her extensive medical experience as a vet tech to prescribe herself a treatment plan of Lots o' Shots. I'm not sure why she thinks something she does every day anyway will suddenly have medicinal properties, particularly something that will only make her pee a lot when it burns to do so, but to each her own. Finally, I cannot move on to the next scene without mentioning that this entire scene basically was underscored by polka music. Amazing.

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Jersey Shore

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