Jersey Shore
Nothing But Nice

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Cocksure

Outside, the gang is ready to move on. Everyone except Sitch, that is. As they go to the batting cage for more group bonding, he stays back to scam on chicks. It was probably the right decision because their baseball outing was pretty lame. They cross paths again with Sitch in time for him to join them in the cab on the way home. Sitch spends the ride complaining that people gang up on him. It's kind of a ridiculous turn of events because this is the most honest, open and authentic The Situation has been in 55 episodes, and yet it is the least interesting or sympathetic he's ever been. Like, who cares? Get back to wearing all white track suits and sunglasses at night indoors. Go back to pulling up your shirt and talking about zoo animals. Dance, monkey, dance! Deena and Snooki feel pretty much the same way, it seems. They acts like they're on his side as they encourage him to talk it out with the other guys, but you can't tell me that deep down they don't just want to see him get caught up in the same bullshit that he regularly tosses them into. And he totally falls for it.

Back at the house, the bathrooms are full, so Snooki goes to the deck in desperation. She drops her two pairs of panties and pops a squat in the corner. Sammi happens upon this scene and is reasonably mortified. Snooki nonchalantly drops a towel over her evacuation as Vinny jokes, "We don't need pets!" Now consider this: This person makes roughly 150 times what I do a week, and I have three jobs. Perhaps I should consider picking up a fourth profession -- selling my dignity. Oh wait, I did that a long time ago! On to my body, I guess!

While everyone mills around downstairs, Sitch makes a big show of walking around chanting, "Gym, tan, Clearasil" and moaning about his breakout. All the while his pants are so low, the editors have to pixelate his pleasure trail. Maybe you're focusing on the wrong part of the mirror, Sitchy. He heads up to the roof deck, where his personal grooming soon takes a backseat to his frustration that not everyone is immediately sucking him off for being nice for two days in a row. Snooki reminds him of his "I like being the villain" comment, saying that's why people have a hard time trusting him. He asks, "Why does everybody gotta focus on Mike? Mike, Mike, Mike!" Uh, because you demand it? Snooki puts it differently: "Because you're crazypants!"

Speaking of which, JWOWW walks into this shitstorm and instinctively sputters, "Oh my God, your drawers are down!" Gotta love JWOWW for keeping everything in perspective. Except these people are like perspective Teflon. Sitch doesn't even blink at her comment and proclaims, "I have a bold personality!" All the while, JWOWW fills us in on what the pixelation leaves to the imagination: His pants are not only riding low, they're unzipped, and his dick is flapping in the breeze. The rest of the crew trickles up as Sitch continues ranting and the camera keeps going in for money shots. Vinny eventually calls out the Sharpei in the room, saying, "I swear to God, that thing's talkin' to me right now." Sitch pulls up his pants, which does precisely nothing for the fact that his COCK IS HANGING OUT OF HIS PANTS. And he just keeeeeeeps on talking, swaying around and drunkenly rambling while his Little Situation pendulum swings around. And the entire group is there! Pauly and Vinny are casually tossing a ball around. Ronnie is snacking on Special K (the cereal, not the drug -- though that would be awesome). JWOWW is right at weenis-level and is avoiding contact with the one-eye as she mentally counts how much money she's getting paid per minute for these shenanigans (by my calculations about $27). It's like a scene from a fucking Fellini film. Only, instead of a monster fish being pulled from the sea, a tiny fish is put back in Sitchy's pants. Yes, friends, he finally zips up trou. Small blessings.

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Jersey Shore

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