Last season: The drunks went back to Jersey, where they belong. Italy breathed a sigh of relief. Snooki peed on stuff. Roger defended JWOWW's honor. Vinny smartened up and went home for about five seconds. Mike told Jionni he and Snooki hooked up, and Snooki hated him. At the end of the summer, everyone loved each other except Mike. Now, Snooki tells us that everything's changed and things are going to get a little crazy. And by "crazy," she means throwing up with morning sickness instead of a hangover, shopping for baby clothes and eating even more pickles. Opening credits. I almost wish they would have updated each person's moment; do we really have to listen to Ron Ron's stupid laugh and Deena's "You like the boobs?" for an entire season? Oh, well. At least it's the last.
We open in Manalapan, New Jersey, where The Situation apparently eats chicken with his family. He fills us in that, since we last saw him, he's been to rehab. It was basically the worst experience of his life (even worse than sleeping with all those grenades, Mike? Really?), but he's the cleanest and healthiest he's been since he was 21 or so. Which was, what, 30 years ago? I mean, he might think he's healthy, but he doesn't look any better than before. Luckily for him, Paula's stuck around. God knows why though, as he tells us they've been hanging out four seasons so far, but she's not his girlfriend or anything. "Who knows what's going to happen?!" In other words: Things might get crazy for this sober, not-admitting-he's-committed, 50-year-old.
Poughkeepsie. Snooks trips while walking into her parents' house and makes a miscarriage joke. Hilarious. She is worried going to the Shore won't be as fun pregnant. She tells us that pregnancy has changed her. Flashback to drunken idiocy: making out with Deena, showing her "cooka" while dancing and getting arrested for public drunken idiocy. Now she says she "did, like, a whole 180 -- I think it's called?" So being around people drinking really upsets her, because she wants to be drunk, too. "I still know how to have fun. It's just like a different fun. For now." She drives off in a crazy black and pink truck and tells us she's still going to be there in spirit. Uh, Snooks? You got "doing a 180" right. But "in spirit"? Not so much. Unless her driving away in that tacky truck is just a fake-out by those wacky MTV producers and she's actually heading off to spend her pregnancy somewhere with a lower risk of second-hand drunkenness. You know, like a bar or something.