Jersey Shore
One Man Down

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Lady Lola: B | Grade It Now!
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No Chain, No Gain

Previously: Deena was so excited to return to the Jersey Shore, she was like "a hamster in heat." How did I miss that soundbite? Vinny, on the other hand, developed a distinct chill towards the Shore House and its inhabitants after realizing home is where his heart is. Hookers, strippers, gorilla juiceheads and day-wasted roommates? That's all Seaside.

We return to the roof deck. Remember that time Snooki was hooking up with a guy here, and he threw up on her? Yeah. This isn't as fun as that. The cue card reads "FUMES" because that's what Vinny's running on. Despite the sage wisdom of Ronnie and the general nonchalance of Pauly, Vinny won't be consoled.

Back out at da club, The Situation meets up with one of his fuck buddies who he met in those blithe innocent days of Season 1. She was the one who drank rotgut champagne in the hot tub with Sitchy before banging him out in the open and then falling down the stairs. That didn't narrow it down enough for you? Oh well... Knowing she's a sure thing, Sitch moves to take her home. The whole gang runs home through a torrential rain storm, which forces Snooki to rely on Sitchy's kindness because Jionni has no more clothes. Insert Sitch's obvious "we share everything else" joke here. With humor as with hobags, our man Sitch doesn't resist a sure thing. For her part, Snooki is grossed out that Jionni is exposed to Sitch's cooties. "I hope they're clean..." says the girl who admitting to sleeping in the bed she peed in last summer. Once Sitch foists his underwear on Jionni, the guys go downstairs to cook. Sitchy calls the turn of events "ironic." I am pretty sure that is nowhere near the appropriate use of that word.

Plagued by her paranoia that The Situation might "do something stupid," Snooki mopes out of the kitchen. Because leaving Sitch unattended with Jionni is definitely going to prevent him from shooting off at the mouth? Apparently her gambit works because Jionni follows her without even eating his food. Generous of underwear and of spirit, The Situation carries the food upstairs and bangs on the door until Snooki opens it, so he can hand over the egg and bacon sandwich. Sitch blathers about being a "master of deception" and playing chess. He advises, "If you don't know how to play chess, maybe drop down and play checkers." That advice would be better suited for Ronnie, who -- as we saw last week -- does not understand the workings of either game. Also? What's all this talk of chess? Did the kids actually get some learnin' in Italy?

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Jersey Shore

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