Seaside. Danny arrives at the Shore House with the Astroturf to make the inside of the house look like the roof deck. They pull down the hammock and set up the kiddie pool. All the rooms in the house are empty, and their contents are up on the roof. (Am I a total old fogy that I'm freaking out about the possibility of rain?) Pauly and Vinny hit up the confessional to insist this is the prank to end all pranks. It will never be topped. Pauly adds, "Not bad for a DJ and a couple T-shirt pressers."
Creepers' Woods. In a matter of hours, the kids have managed to make the campsite just as disgusting and cluttered with food as the Shore House kitchen. Great job, kids, except you forgot one thing: Bears! The Situation has taken it upon himself to build a fire, by which I mean basically an entire damn tree that he's thrown on the actual pit and is currently dousing with lighter fluid. How many bottles of that stuff did they give these assholes? As he circles the thing, sprinkler-spraying flop sweat, Sammi looks on with the most bored, apathetic expression you can imagine. For her part, Deena fears burning alive. "He's like one of those people," she says, "a hermaphrodite or whatever." The word you're looking for is "pyromaniac," Deena. Thanks for playing!
Not much later, Sitch has fully switched into paranoiac mode. He's still sweating profusely, only now his eyes have gotten crazy. He's swaying and looking into the woods for chainsaw-wielding, hockey mask-wearing assailants. He's definitely drunk-face-wasted, but I think the smoke has also impaired his judgment. For whatever reason, he is also munching maniacally on a bag of chips -- like a carb-loaded belly is going to give him the get-up-and-go he needs in case a homicidal psychopath enters the fray. Everyone tells Sitch to stop acting like a damn weirdo. He tells them skittishly, "I keep hearing noises." JWOWW says matter-of-factly, "Because we're in the woods." Sitch: "That's true." He heads into the tent he's fashioned into a nylon bunker, and the only saving grace of this obviously staged plot-tastrophe is that there are some pretty hilarious cutaway shots of Shifty Sitchy through the tent's zip-up door. What a schmuck.
Around the campfire, JWOWW says, "Before we get too drunk [Ed. note: Too late!], we should talk about what's going on at the house." If only they knew! Alas, JWOWW is not referring to the epic time-wasting endeavors of everyone's favorite platonic life partners (who didn't write and star in Good Will Hunting). She's referring to Deena's loneliness and Snooki's brazen commitment to her relationship and sanity. Deena recalls the Girls Nights Out they used to have in Italy and wonders what happened once they got back to the States. Boyfriends, obviously. Snooki interviews that Deena is jealous, but she's still sad her fellow Meatballs is upset. Sad might be too generous a term. She has a mild tingle of discomfort in her pinky toe, but that could just be the side effects of her UTI.