Jersey Shore
One Meatball Stands Alone

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: D | Grade It Now!
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"Bacon, Egg, and Cheese... Your Girl Blew Me"

After all the others have long since given up on the food fight set-up, Snooki and Sitchy keep going. She actually hurls a gallon of milk at him at one point, which is wildly wasteful (and not tactically very smart) but also awesome. Sound bite highlights include Snooki telling Sitch, "I like Jionni's cock in my mouth, not yours." And somehow Vinny gets dragged into the squabble. To be fair, he's practically wearing 3D glasses and munching popcorn on the sidelines, so it was only a matter of time. Did I mention that Sitch is dangling a cigarette out of his mouth the whole time? That's how lame and uncommitted he (and, I would argue, the whole gang) is to this wild stretch for content. It is kind of funny when Snooki, who is covered in barbecue sauce and God-knows-what-else, heads up to his room and rolls around in his bed. How effective that will be is another question because this is the person who, when his roommates put grated cheese under his pillow, was more willing to believe his trick was had cooch fungus than he was to investigate why his bed might smell like cheese. Then again, if I were The Situation, I'd probably go with cooch fungus nine times out of 10, too. Occam's Razor.

Somehow Snooki's roll in Sitch's sheets is the breaking point. They head back downstairs and scream at each other for 100 hours. The whole time, Pauly is doing earmuffs on Deena, which is pretty hilarious. He's like the precocious eight-year-old protecting his slow younger sister from mommy and daddy's fighting. They go back and forth and back and forth. Big shock: Nothing is resolved.

The next morning, Deena, Ronnie, and Snooki report for their final shift and the Shore Store. Snooki idly comments, "I think I still smell like ketchup." Probably because you didn't shower, you little dirty Meatball. They spend the whole day planning their camping trip. Clearly spray tan and hair gel are must-have camping accessories for the outdoorsy guido or guidette. Elsewhere, MVP head out for some good, old-fashioned GTL.

Once she gets back home, Deena makes plans with Joey in spite of how badly their last encounter ended. Deena admits she might be rushing a relationship because all her friends are coupled up. She's certainly not doing it on the advice of her roommates, who are unanimously against the idea of Joey. They brashly tell her to stop wasting her time. The thing they all don't seem to get -- and that Deena seems painfully aware of -- is that the homelier of the Meatballs doesn't have a lot of options. Roger aside, you don't see JWOWW playing wingman so Vinny will have a back-up trick when the lesbian he's pursuing doesn't suddenly stop preferring vagina. This is not something JWOWW has to do. Like how pretty people don't have to be clever or funny. It's not that they can't be, they just don't have to. Deena has to be clever (I use that term loosely), funny, and a turnpiking wingman. She knows her lot in this hierarchy, is what I'm saying.

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Jersey Shore

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