Jersey Shore
One Meatball Stands Alone

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: D | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
"Bacon, Egg, and Cheese... Your Girl Blew Me"

Around the campfire, JWOWW says, "Before we get too drunk [Ed. note: Too late!], we should talk about what's going on at the house." If only they knew! Alas, JWOWW is not referring to the epic time-wasting endeavors of everyone's favorite platonic life partners (who didn't write and star in Good Will Hunting). She's referring to Deena's loneliness and Snooki's brazen commitment to her relationship and sanity. Deena recalls the Girls Nights Out they used to have in Italy and wonders what happened once they got back to the States. Boyfriends, obviously. Snooki interviews that Deena is jealous, but she's still sad her fellow Meatballs is upset. Sad might be too generous a term. She has a mild tingle of discomfort in her pinky toe, but that could just be the side effects of her UTI.

The next morning, the kids pack up and go. Well, more accurately, the guys pack up while Deena and JWOWW stand paralyzed looking at Daddy Longlegs crawling over their clothes. They refuse to do anything until one of the guys flicks the creature off their clothes, but the guys (Sitch specifically) will only upbraid them for not helping. It's a vicious cycle that goes on for about 23 exchanges too many. In short, it's the most depressing scene ever witnessed on this show. Why? Because they were real people in this moment, not cartoons out to spread their infectious bad taste and syphilis. They were actually dealing with a relatable set of circumstances and squabbling like everyday human beings. This is not why I watch this show. I need to go back and watch clips of Lola humping Boardwalk freaks just to cleanse my palate.

Shore House. Pauly and Vinny have gone all out. Sitting in the living room kiddie pool, they're decked out in swim goggles and floaties. Pauly is even wearing zinc oxide on his nose. They clink hurricane glasses and toast to the biggest prank war ever. Yeah, the one they made up in their heads. That one. Just as Pauly is predicting what a game-changing move this 11th-hour prank will be, my DVR cuts off. Perhaps it was a protest at the absurdity of this scenario. Perhaps it's conserving its energy for next week's finale. Either way, I'm in the dark as to how the boys' "epic" (sarcasm) prank turned out. Guess we'll find out in the finale. I'm expecting the kids to come home and start ripping their hair out, so horrified are they by the change. They'll instantly turn grey from stress and the weaker ones will do. The disorientation will be so great, their society will implode, and it will become a Hunger Games race to the bathroom for the flat iron. Eight will enter the house, only one will emerge. My money's on Snooki.

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Jersey Shore

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