Jersey Shore
Reunion

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Lady Lola: D- | Grade It Now!
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Reunited, And It Feels So... Gawd!

Paffrath welcomes Sitch and Snooks up to talk about their "intercontinental cheating scandal." The couch could probably fit five people, and Snooki sits as far away from Sitch as possible. Paffrath wonders why Sitchy felt compelled to cause so much drama. He insists fallaciously (and/or fellatiously?) that he didn't want to be called a liar. He insists he lost a friend over "telling the truth." Which misses the entire point. Of course Snooki wouldn't have liked you to tell the truth -- if indeed your story was the truth... which I'm so turned around about at this point I can't be bothered to reason out. It wasn't the truth (or whatever) itself, it was the bullshit soap operatic approach you took in telling the "truth." The self-appointed status as villain, the failed machinations, and, above all, the fact that you associate yourself with a douchenozzle named The Unit.

Cue second package: "Sitch plots against Snooki." Metaphors are wildly tossed about and, ironically, The Situation looks more uncomfortable than anyone to see this footage. Maybe because he was whacked out on horse tranqs during all of the filming? Snooki calls him "obsessed" and says she'd go all Divinyls on herself before ever touching him. They yell back and forth, and Ronnie finally cuts in, "It's like a Ron and Sam all over again!" Oh, sweetie, good job trying to take back that power, but... FAIL. When this relationship actually gets physically abusive (I'm not counting hurled milk jugs), then we'll talk. And, honestly, the freeze frame at this point, says it all. Ronnie thinks he's fucking hilarious. Sammi is raising her hand, like, "What is my idiot boyfriend on about?" JWOWW is laughing -- because that's what she's paid to do. Deena is completely invested in this stupid, bullshit argument. Pauly is waiting for his turn to scream something out that ends in "OH YEAH!" And Vinny's head is bowed in shame.

Long story short, these two crazy kids are never going to come to terms on this particular issue because they both have too much at stake. Ronnie finally speaks for us all, roaring, "WHO THE FUCK CAAAAAAARES?" And Pauly senses his cue, and goes, "Yeeeeeeeeah buddy!"

Snooki reiterates her point that she wouldn't bang Sitch with a 10-foot pole. If it were to be anyone in the house, it'd be Vinny, and she already went there. Sitch tells her she's "fucked up" and continuously wipes at his nose in a suspicious manner (allegedly!). Pauly thinks Jionni's reaction wasn't violent or retaliatory enough, and Snooki tells all the roommates not to say a damn word about Jionni. She furthermore calls Sitch a coward and says she doesn't forgive him. For his part, Sitch says he would still be friends with Snook -- because what else does he have in this world, really? Certainly not cha-cha skills.

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Jersey Shore

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