Jersey Shore

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: D- | Grade It Now!
Reunited, And It Feels So... Gawd!

Back inside, Sitch has returned for another $100,000 beat down. He basically reads the script JWOWW handed him from the producers, apologizing for walking out on his roommates. They accept.

Time for some levity! Paffrath welcomes Deena to the couch. Cue the Field & Stream package. Yep! Just as boring as the first time we saw it, even at a fraction of the runtime. There is an overly long discussion of these two desperation-bred time fillers. Highlights: Pauly says sharks are attracted to spray tans, and Ronnie snarks about Snooki, "She only knows how to pitch a tent in a guy's pants!" (How long has he been holding that in reserve?) The only thing I got out of this ridiculous exchange was that stomach-churning feeling of regret when I realized I should have named that recap "The Blair Sitch Project." Missed connections!

Bromance segment, OH YEAH! In introducing the package about Vinny's mental breakdown, Paffrath actually insinuates that he was just a weak mama's boy who couldn't handle reality. Shut it, Paff. Then again, the whole poorly conceived package ended with Vinny banging two lesbians, so... well... there's still nothing redeeming going on there. In quick tandem -- with nothing but an obvious Ron Ron Joke about how threesomes clear out your testicles -- we get a package about VP's Operation: Inside Out, Pauly's Stalker's Operation: Guido DJ Freak-Out, and then more of O:IO, specifically what a bitch Sitch is.

Even Pauly has his prank limits, we find out. And that limit is named Vanessa. He says the most disturbing thing about her is that "she wouldn't even talk -- no talkin', just stalkin'." Paffrath gets the last laugh when she pretends they've flown Vanessa in for the reunion. Pauly dutifully feigns shock, awe and horror for the 15 seconds of his contractual obligation, and Ronnie laughs like a stupid idiot as per his contract (and per the fact that he is, in fact, a stupid idiot). Paffrath assists the boys in patting themselves on the back some more about their dumbass prank, and that is -- I hope -- the last we'll ever have to hear of Operation: Inside Out.

Sitch and Snooki have returned to the peanut gallery, replaced on the couch by JWOWW. Time for the "Don't fall in love at the Jersey Shore" package of the highs and lows (mainly lows) of JWOWW and Roger's relationship. Long story short, JWOWW upholds all the horrible stereotypes about what overreacting banshees women in relationships are, and Deena upholds all the stereotypes about what pathetic losers all single gals are because she still wants a relationship as fantastically dysfunctional as any of her roommates'. We also learn that Roger and Ronnie have developed bromantical names for each other: "Old Man" and "Half-Pint," respectively. In sum, JWOWW and Roger are "good." Boring, dependable, basically married and not worth another second of our precious time.

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Jersey Shore




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