Jersey Shore

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: F | Grade It Now!
So Crappy Together

Julissa wonders why Snooki keeps returning to Vinny. Ronnie yells out, "Seabiscuit," referring of course to Vinny's ginormous cock. Snooki insists it's not strictly dickly, that she enjoys the flirting, too. Julissa asks why Snooki and Vinny's relationship declined, and Snooki says that Vinny became a jerk-off over the course of the summer, specifically when he agreed to snuggle with her at the beginning of the night, then picked up another girl by night's end. Sammi leans on all sorts of feminine stereotypes (all of which Snooki represents, mind you) as she chips in that Vinny led Snooki on. Julissa wonders if Snooki still has feelings for Vinny. Snooki says she still loves him as a friend, but the romantic feelings have been ruined. Vinny announces that she's lying and still holds a torch for him. Snooki insists she never fell in love with him, only "deep lust." Vinny: "I lust you, too, girl."

And it's onward and downward as Julissa offers this intro, "Our next girl did a little gorilla juicehead upgrade this summer," before bringing JWOWW down to the couch. First order of business: What happened with Tom? JWOWW says she created a monster, that Tom was insecure, and that she should have broken up with him way back when she discovered Pauly's Prince Albert in season one. Julissa moves on to Roger, asking JWOWW if she broke Ronnie's rule not to fall in love at the Jersey Shore. JWOWW admits she did and is happy... so far. Julissa introduces the next package, a.k.a. "the knight in shining tan muscles." We revisit JWOWW and Roger's courtship, in which our Sonic the Hedgehog-esque huh-ro goes from rebound to real thing. JWOWW gives the background that she and Roger had a summer fling three or four years back but says she is much better matched to him now. She explains that she waited to sleep with him until after she'd broken up with Tom because she has morals... "sort of," and -- oh yeah -- she didn't want Roger to have any ammo to use against her in case they got in a fight. Adds Snooki, "And she's not a whore." She thinks Roger is the perfect guy for JWOWW and plans to be their flower girl at the wedding. Pauly agrees that Roger makes JWOWW happier than he's ever seen her.

The Situation, a.k.a. "The Dog Whisperer of the Jersey Shore," is next to the couch. Julissa jokingly asks about his special connection to dogs. He yammers a lot, and with no real point, instead of just saying, "I smell like meat and let them shit everywhere." Because that's what it really boils down to, right? Julissa introduces a never-before-seen "instructional video" in which Sitch partners up with JWOWW's dog Lean Cuisine to take over the house. He makes sure the dog stays allied to him by feeding the dogs anything and everything, not to mention allowing them to defecate and urinate wherever the urge strikes. JWOWW says she had no idea this shit was going down (literally), and Sitch spouts all sorts of crap (metaphorically) about how he had no intentions to let the dogs run wild, but it's not even close to believable... so, moving on!

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Jersey Shore




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