Jersey Shore

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: F | Grade It Now!
So Crappy Together

Amazingly, she does, but in a much more easy-to-understand, in-your-face kind of way. She asks Ronnie why he feels entitled to being upset when Sammi was only texting a guy after he had hooked up with a bunch of girls in Miami. First he says he only hooked up with one girl, as if that makes it somehow okay, then he qualifies that he hooked up with two girls at the same time. Julissa also points out that Ronnie called his ex-girlfriend right in the middle of one of his many break-ups with Sammi in Miami. Sammi adds in that Ronnie was dancing -- and sometimes more -- with other girls, then returning to bed with her at the end of the night. Isn't it amazing that it's taken this long to get someone (anyone) to say the plain truth to Ronnie? They must have his 'roid cycles calendar and know it's an okay day to be aggressive. At any rate, don't get your panties moist yet, kids, because Ronnie's reply is as unsatisfying and blame-dodging as ever. He tells Sammi, "Then you should have left me." Sammi stupidly echoes his words back to her re: Arvin, and he's all, "I did leave you. That's why we're not together right now." Oh, Sammi! These two will never learn. She does conclude by swearing to him and everyone who can listen that she never cheated on him. He smugly replies, "Thank you." Ugh. Then Julissa awesomely adds, "And she didn't tear up your stuff." He shoots back that Sammi "put her hands on" him, and of course Sammi ends up apologizing while he continues to think he's blameless.

And because we have three more minutes to fill, we get a package about spray tanning. I'm not kidding. Highlights: You can't have sex post-spray tan, Deena looks like "a burnt meatball," and Snooki sits in the fridge because her ass is itching from the tanning bed. Julissa asks if the kids try to out-tan each other. Pauly and Snooki admit they have a little competition going on. Deena thinks she OD'd on tanning when she told the girl to make her as dark as Pauly. Julissa asks Snooki, who literally looks like an Oompa Loompa with all the color she's rocking, if it's an insult to be called an Oompa Loompa. Snooki rationalizes that orange = "not pale," so it's actually a compliment. Pauly admits he might just be tanorexic. Snooki says, "If I'm pale, I feel like shit, so I know how Vinny feels every day." And with that, it's the end of a season that made us all feel like shit. And one that featured no less than five episodes specifically about shit. So there's could be no more fitting end than that comment. Until Italy, my friends!

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Jersey Shore




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