Jersey Shore
Sharp Objects

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: F | Grade It Now!
Bait & Sitch

Before you know it, Sammi says something is sharp. Deena mishears her and thinks there are sharks about. She tries to jump on the nearest dinghy, which is actually the sharp object that Sammi was warning her about, and there is a serious bit of physical comedy as Deena can't summon the strength to pull herself into the boat and just bobs up and down in the water for several minutes. Did I mention that a pretty sizable crowd has gathered at this point? Two seconds later, they fall into the water. It's obviously very shallow because they can both stand up and be only partially submerged. Deena, who has lost an eyelash amidst all this, flops back into the raft and some guy jumps in to drag her back to shore (the shore that is about two yards away). Snooki just stands there looking like a disoriented drowned rat and clutching her water bottle full of booze. So basically, it's like any Tuesday at Karma.

Back home, Ronnie takes a really stinky dump. Which Sitch then sprays liberally with Axe. I don't know what's worse. Also? This is officially the lamest single episode of this show ever. (Then again, the clogged toilet had a multi-episode arc two seasons ago, so maybe I should be counting my blessings.)

Deena, Pauly, and Vinny head to work. Danny tells Pauly that his stalker stopped by the day before. He admits, "I was kind of afraid to talk to her, honestly." Pauly says that Vanessa's (that's her name) aggressive pursuit is putting all sorts of uncomfortable thoughts in his head that are "messing with [his] blowout." But we can't be bothered with these dark thoughts at the moment because Vinny explains to a customer that DTF means "Down To Fish." Wow, they're really struggling for content this season.

That night, Snooki and Sitchy are talking out on the patio. He asks how things are with Jionni. She says they're perfect and that she wants to marry him. Sitch jokes that he is going to storm Snooki's wedding. She snaps, "I'll shoot you with a pistol in your fuckin' eyeball." Two things: 1.) I love how Snooki just became the Annie Oakley of Seaside and 2.) Can someone please produce a remake of The Graduate with The Situation, Snooki, and, like, Valeria Golino? While we wait with bated breath for that, Snooki gets her pee-panties in a bunch because Sitch is questioning her relationship. She recognizes that the relationship is a mess, but to have Sitch point that out? Unacceptable. Fair enough. I would never want The Situation telling me I had any flaws. I mean, look at him.

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Jersey Shore




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