Previously: SamRo fought and cried and made up. Sam hated JWOWW, and was completely horrible to her, but the gang talked her into staying. I have to assume they were contractually obligated to do so. Sam made up with JWOWW. Sort of. Opening. Am I the only one who thinks they could use some quote updates there? I am pretty sick of "I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet" and Ronnie's crazy laugh. Anyway, we pick up right where we left off, with JWOWW and Sam hugging and making up. Which leads to much group binge-drinking and fun. Until Sam gets annoyed that Ron's having a fun time. He says it's one step forward and two steps back, but she explains that he got drunk and motorboated some girls' "girls" when he was drunk, so she just can't trust him. Then there's Sitch, Pauly, and Vinny -- all having a grand time with ladies. Mike brings one home, followed by cranky Sam, followed by Ron and some other fools.
At the house, Mike and his girl go to bed while Ron asses out on the bean bag chair. When Sam tries to talk to him, he drunk-walks himself up to bed. She follows him with whatever food she's made him and then tries to feed him like a baby in his bed while he shakes his drunk-ass head. Gotta say: The guy's got more sense drunk than sober. He explains later how much the room was spinning, as it shows him pushing Sam away before throwing up. Dude! That is exactly how America feels about this relationship. Sam freaks out and runs away because she can't do throw up, but she somehow stuck her hand in it. Mike and his lady stay in the other bed.
The next morning, JWOWW finds Snooki sleeping in the dog pen and drags her to her bed. She tells Deena where she found her and they giggle, while Snooki stays passed out in her bed. Ron wakes up still sick, and tells Sam he's bleeding when he goes to the bathroom. Sam asks the question that no one is wondering: "Why is Ronnie bleeding out of his ass? I have no idea." Then she heads to the doctor with him. And the doctor, for some reason, agreed to be on camera so we get to see the whole goddamned thing. Unfortunately. The doctor tells Ron they'll "check out the area," but won't do anything crazy with scopes or anything. Ron laughs uncomfortably then lays down to let the guy check out his ass. Sam sits in the waiting room as the guy feels up Ron's butt. Ron grimaces, as Sam just smiles in the waiting room, so happy to be there for her juicehead in his time of ass pain. The doctor tells Ron that he messed up his asshole by drinking too much. Wow. They must drink a lot in Seaside, because I'm from a town of alcoholics and have never heard of anything like that. Back in the waiting room, Sam laughs at Ron, who assures her it's not hemorrhoids or anything like that. Because it's so much better to drink until your ass explodes, I guess. (Right about now I am wondering if Lady Lola knew this episode was going to be all about Ronnie's ass, and that's why she needed a fill-in recapper. Because... I wouldn't blame her.) Thank God for commercial reprieve.
Deena and JWOWW break some bad news to Snooki: They're not going to get their nails done today. This elicits a sad face, but no "WAH!" So that's a big step up in the maturity department for Snooki. Or she's just too hung-over to make a sound. You decide. JWOWW asks her if she wants to go the next day between work shifts, and she agrees. Instead, they all go to the pharmacy. On the way, they talk about how girls are such liars for saying they've never masturbated. In JWOWW's defense, she mostly just sits and listens. Snooki almost apologizes later when she tells us that her conversations with Deena and Jenni are always "fucked up" because they have no shame. As if we need narration to tell us that. Anyway, Snooki once masturbated all day and couldn't move the next day. So, they finally arrive at the pharmacy, where Snooki chooses to ride a toy tricycle around. She breaks the handlebars off, but doesn't want to pay for it (which is especially ridiculous considering how much money they make to do basically nothing), so she makes JWOWW go put it back and pretend it never happened. JWOWW thinks it's fine she didn't pay for it, since it was $150.
Back home, Snooki and Deena psychoanalyze JWOWW's dogs by comparing them to themselves. The needy one reminds them of Snooks, and the wild animal is Deena. Pauly's in the doorway, all "Really?" But don't think he's going to object to them comparing themselves to dogs. He just wonders how they're not getting ready yet. Snooki asks him to come out and make out, and he says he will, so Deena jumps in too. He says he'll totally do that and gives them a thumbs up, but then closes the door on his way back inside. The girls talk about how hot he is and how they'd totally do him. Snooki really wants his sperm, to make babies. Wow. This show makes women look so amazing. Ronnie's on the phone with his friend, Petey, who's stuck in traffic but is going to meet them at Karma.
Getting-ready-music-montage. Cleavage creating. Shoe shining. Hair slicking. Hair spraying. And they're off, without a "Cabs are here!" So disappointing. Ronnie's friends are at Karma. There are three of them: Chris, Dario, and Chris. Deena has a thing for Dario, and asks him to dance. Then they start making out right there at the table. JWOWW and Snooks dance together somewhere else. Mike looks up some girls' skirts. Good-time Vinny's fist-pumping. Snooki ends up meeting a guy named Jeff, and accuses him of having a girlfriend. He says he doesn't, so they're making out soon enough. Sam's all freaking out about it, and it is pretty gross and graphic. Snooks says she's taking him home tonight, for sure. Deena asks Ron if Dario will snuggle with her, and she's ready to go now. Sam looks disgusted, but they all go ahead and leave with Deena and Dario.
At the house, it's JWOWW alone, then Snooki and Jeff. She rushes him up to the smoosh room, so Jenni won't freak out about her doing it in their room. She tells us that Jeff's "definitely DTF." And, uh, what guy isn't? They roll around in bed as she tells us about all the moves he was ready to do on her. But she had her period. "Story of my frickin' life." Meanwhile, Dario's feeding Deena a bunch of food as she's telling him she wants to go to the gym because she's so fat. He wants to go inside, but she tells him it's just to cuddle. She uses a couple clichés to explain to us that she doesn't have sex on the first night ("It's not Halloween. I'm not handing out candy for free" and "You need a golden ticket to get into these drawers") then they head to the room and make out. She tells him she hasn't had sex in three months, and they do it. It's okay, though, because she assures us Dario was, like, a good guy.
Next morning, JWOWW and Sammi are going to work. They try to wake up Mike, but he won't get up, and JWOWW's not catching any shit for him. So they leave. Snooki wants her boy Jeff to dance on the stripper pole for her, though she doesn't need him to strip. He asks if the pole will break, but after her assurances that it won't, he goes ahead and gives it a shot. And, of course, falls on his ass. They laugh. And I try not to fall asleep. Fortunately, we get to see the whole thing a second time after a commercial break. Snooki tells us how much of a blast Jeff is, then they kiss on the porch before heading to the boardwalk to ride the rides. They try to get other couples to make out, then she realizes he has a tongue ring and they kiss some more. Which somehow leads to her telling him that the ocean is salty because of whale sperm, so she won't go in it. Unless she's, you know, drunk enough to get arrested.
Later, Jeff's filling her in on his whole life. He was in the Army, and then the mob, and he had a girlfriend for three years, to whom he was engaged. Snooki freaks out and asks if he has an STD. He says it was a promise ring, and the girl was a virgin. She's okay with the promise ring as long as it wasn't an engagement. Snooki's freaked out, because he's looking to settle down and she's really not. So now she starts pushing him away and then tells him to leave. She's "on to the next one."
Back home, the phone quacks and it's Jeff, wondering if Snook was serious. She says she's angry at him for not telling her that sooner. Am I confused, or didn't they just meet a half a day ago? He says she didn't ask, and she tells him it's a big deal. "Hello!?" Then she tells him to go fuck himself and hangs up. Pauly tells her if she doesn't find a new guy at Karma, she can have him. Phone quacks again and Snooki tells everyone not to answer. But DJ Pauly D can't resist. He puts on his best fake phone voice (which is quite good) and says, "Thank you for calling the Jersey Shore store. We are unable to get to the phone at this time, but leave your name, your number, and a b