Jersey Shore
Should We Just Break Up?

Episode Report Card
DeAnn Welker: C- | 1 USERS: D-
YOU GRADE IT
The Longest Break-Up

After some commercials, including one featuring Snooki, SamRo are in their bedroom. She's putting on makeup and asking him what's wrong. He says nothing, but he tells us he really wants space, but Sam just wants to smother him and pick at everything. The girls leave for work at the T-shirt store, where Danny tells them they're two hours late and not wearing T-shirts. Snooki thinks he's a buzzkill. Everyone works and sells, except Snooki, who stands there and does nothing. Because she doesn't like work. She says her favorite part of the job is hanging out with JWOWW, because they can have girl time at work. Cut to them talking about being single. Snooki hates it (then why'd she drop Jeff, who wanted to be with her? That is rare in a guy). While they're talking, Danny throws something at them and tells them to make some sales.

Back at home later, Pauly asks SamRo if they're going out. Ronnie says Sam can, but he's staying home. She asks him why, and he says he's choosing to stay home. She asks if he just wants to break up, and he says, "Whatever, dude." Then he calls her a selfish bitch. Vinny says he doesn't have time for the fight, and Ronnie tells her to go downstairs. Vinny thinks hell has to be just like this, and Mike agrees. Seriously. They totally ruin what used to be an entertaining show. Mike complains that they were waiting for Sam to straighten her hair "whose hair is already straight!" Touche. He says the only thing that needs to be straightened is her brain. Deena asks if she's coming, and she asks when they're leaving. When they say now, she says, "Probably not." Pauly's pissed that they've ruined T-shirt time, so he's changing his T-shirt. No bad T-shirt karma for this guy.

So it's just MVPD this night (I guess Jenni and Snooki are still at work). Pauly talks about how crazy Deena is dancing in the club, and she agrees: "Face down, ass up. That's how I like to have a good time." Pauly sees crazy Danielle again, who threw a drink in his face last time, but this time she just wants to talk to him. He agrees to talk to her, and gives her a hug. She tells him she threw the drink in his face for making her look like a stalker. He tells us she stalked his whole entire life (or, you know, one night) last summer. Then he introduces Mike to "my friend" with a big "OMG!" laugh. He doesn't hold a grudge, and makes a truce with her. He decides to bring her home, and even Deena can't believe someone would be that stupid.

Back at home, Sam and Snooki are outside on the deck, where Sammi's giving Snooki an earful about the fight we already saw. Spare us this, please, editors. We saw it happen and hated it the first time. We don't need Sammi's recap. Snooki thinks Sammi didn't do anything wrong, and all they do is fight. While they're talking, Pauly and Sitch come in with Danielle and another girl (maybe Danielle's friend). Pauly goes straight to his room to get the I Star-of-David Jewish Girls T-shirt she made him. Aww. Is it weird that I'm rooting for a spark between Pauly and his stalker? He says he's sure she thinks he threw it away so he wants to see her facial expression. She walks in and sees him in the shirt, and starts laughing. But then she pretends she can't see it without her glasses. She flips him off, but he says that's all he was looking for and it's all good now. Vinny walks through the kitchen and calls her "Stalker!" Then he interviews about how he can't believe the "Stage 5 Clinger. Alert! Alert!" is in his house. He asks her why she's here, and Deena agrees she doesn't get it after the drink-throwing. Vinny tells her she's the last person he'd expect here, and Pauly agrees. So does Danielle. Vinny thinks she has a Pauly D metal detector that beeps on blowouts and hair gel. Later on the couch, Vinny makes a stork joke that apparently means "stalk" or something. Then a "beanstalk" joke. Pauly wonders why she'd hang out while everyone's giving her shit, then he tells her to leave.

Ronnie and Sammi are in separate beds in their room. She asks him to come over to hers, but he doesn't want to because he's sleeping. She tells him she "straight up doesn't want to do this" with him anymore. He tells her to stop threatening, and says he obviously doesn't want to get into bed with her since he hasn't. She asks what she did, because this isn't fair to her. Ron: "Me, me, me, me, me." True enough. She says if he wants it to be over, let's break up. He says he's sick of breaking up and making up, but agrees they're done. She asks him to look her in the face and break up. Oh, she is so pathetic. I hate it, and it makes me sad for her. He tells her to leave him alone, and she keeps pushing the "look me in the face" angle, as if it's getting her anywhere. Though, to be fair, with him it just might. He turns and looks at her and says it's over, and they're finished. He tells us their relationship has been a "big ball of shit" this summer. He takes off, and she says she needs closure. He doesn't care and says she's sickening. Yes, Ron, but so are you. He storms out.

He compares this to a drawer he's been stuffing full of stuff to the point he can't close it or fit anything else in. She follows him to the patio, and he yells at her about how fake she is and how she's turned her back on him now that she has other friends in the house. She tells him this is the breaking point to the relationship, and she's fine with that. He says it is what it is, and she agrees. He says they can figure out the room situation tomorrow, and she says she'll move her stuff out. They're both done. He says he can make her time here miserable. I'm not sure if he means if they stay together or break up, but probably either way.

Next week: Sam uses her power of magnetism to get Ron back, by freaking with another guy. Then they get in a giant fight and he throws her shit around and breaks it. She cries and kicks a door in, then goes home. He cries. DRAMA. Let's hope it's the last of it, so this show can go back to being funny.

DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, wants to go back to the innocent world of T-shirt time, GTL, and "Cabs are here!". You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.

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Jersey Shore

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