Jersey Shore
Situation Problems

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Lady Lola: B | Grade It Now!
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Knockin' the Dust Off

Snooki and JWOWW decide to sit out the night as the others hit up il club. As Deena dances around in giant California Raisin sunglasses, Pauly scopes out his potential Deena buffers, but the pickings are slim. Says one girl, "I'm really shy... I got a dildo today!" The night advances on, and Pauly is seriously striking out. He gets into an altercation with one girl who touches his hair. That's a no-go, sister. Sammi tells Pauly she's leaving, and Deena's staying, so Pauly has to make sure she gets home. Cut to a shot of Deena literally struggling to stay upright while she's sitting down. She looks like that one really busted Cheri Oteri character -- whose name, ironically, is Rita DelVecchio. Ronnie cuts to the chase: "I don't want you to fuck her." So Pauly goes to Plan Z and literally asks the first person he sees to come home with him. At this point, he is literally sweating, and I suspect it's not from the fist pumping and/or beating up of the beat.

They get in a cab to head home as Pauly says forebodingly, "I see the condition that Deena's in. I myself am in trouble!" If only Snooki were bomb-ass wasted, too. Then he could just sic Deena on her. Deena continues on her dogged mission to get Pauly in in letto, and he keeps giving her the excuse that it will ruin their friendship. Vinny sits between the two of them and snickers meanly, saying, "Pauly is definitely part of the I-Double-F right now." For those of you whose memories need jogging, that stands for the "I'm Fucked Foundation." Pauly literally runs up the stairs to escape her, and Vinny explains that "Pauly doesn't like meatballs." He would know, as he has a considerable appetite for le polpette. Pauly runs into the common room, where Sammi and Ronnie are, and practically screams to them, "Save me!!!" He feels like he's in a Catch-22 because he can give in and ruin the friendship (mainly because he'll probably be vomiting mid-thrust) or reject her and ruin the friendship by insulting her. Either way, Deena's not going to come tonight.

Oh, but that doesn't stop her. She walks into the room and says point blank, "Listen. I am a good fuck, and I have no shame." Sammi screams, "Deena!" Pauly can't help but laugh at her bluntness. He does chip in, "Deena, I would knock the dust off that pussy if we weren't friends." Wow, I hope a man says that to me one day! Just... wow. Deena leaves, disgruntled as Vinny confessionalizes that Pauly was talking trash at the club about how he'd be "Oh YEAH!"-ing with Deena all night long, and now he's chickening out. Ronnie assures Pauly that Deena won't remember a thing in the morning, but Pauly still says, "I feel bad, though. I should have fucked her." Cue falling-off-the-couch laughter from all sides.

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Jersey Shore

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