Jersey Shore

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B+ | Grade It Now!
In Which We Learn About the Communal Smush Room

Snooki and JWOWW storm outside, with The Situation narrating that they were damned either way for breaking this kind of news to Sammi Stupidfuck. While Snooki blows off steam on the patio, JWOWW makes the dubious decision to stomp back inside. For the most part she ignores SamRo 2.0. But Ronnie can't leave well enough alone, so he makes a comment of JWOWW's boyfriend. Bitch grabs a platter and hurls it at him faster than you can say "Splintered caveman skull." Unfortunately, Vinny intercepts her, and the plate doesn't hit its mark. While Vinny's holding her back, Sammi picks up her own piece of crockery and lobs that shit at JWOWW. It's a pretty bitch move, and it doesn't even hit The WOWW! Double bitch. Which is still only a fraction of the bitchassness that is Sammi. What a hag, y'all. Seriously. JWOWW says Sammi's only this brave (read: not crying and whining like a bitch) when Ronnie's there to protect her.

JWOWW and Snooki (who's come back inside) wisely retire to their room, saying, "We'll see who gets the last laugh." They calmly wonder why Sammi is mad at them, then comfort themselves with the knowledge that Sammi is going to feel like a grade-A idiot when she realizes she's been putting her trust in Angelina and Ronnie. Snooki interviews that she regrets thinking the letter would change anything. She also realizes that Angelina is a "two-faced bitch."

Outside, with Ronnie as her numbskull chorus, Sammi pats herself on the back for "beating the crap out of" JWOWW. Not entirely true, honey. JWOWW didn't look like she had a scratch on her, in fact. She proudly recounts dropping to the ground, with a turkey sandwich in hand no less, to beat up JWOWW. Pauly asks, "Is there any more turkey sandwich left?" Love him! Everyone heads inside, except Ronnie who asks Vinny to hang back so he can justify shoving him. As a gentleman would do. Ugh. Vinny says his only regret is that Ronnie didn't beat up Angelina. Back inside, there's no love lost on her side as Angelina calls Vinny a dirt bag and spills the beans to Sitch's sister Melissa -- she who once hooked up with Vinny and who has had the pleasure of witnessing all this mess firsthand -- that Vinny tried to hook up with Snooki. Melissa acts shocked. Has she met these people?

The next morning, the house looks like a wrecking ball has hit it. A wrecking ball entirely composed of weave bits, cigarette butts, press-on nails, and a discarded cutlery. Is there any other kind? Sammi wakes up, inappropriately smug for supposedly kicking the shit out of JWOWW. For a minute, the joke's on all of them because they have to report to the gelato shop to work together. Then JWOWW shows she has absolutely no shame by calling Enzo to tell him she can't come in to work because she has to get her nails done. Yeah. Seriously. Re-read that last part: She can't come in to work because she has to get her nails done. The best part is that Enzo's all, "Okay." Sammi, meanwhile, says with no small amount of self-satisfaction that her nails are messed up, too, but she's going in because she's not a little bitch like JWOWW. Takes one to know one, sucka.

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Jersey Shore




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