Jersey Shore
The Great Depression

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Ron Ron Blues

Previously: SamRo 2.0 actually broke up. Horrifically. Was it all a mirage?

We return with a replay of Sammi telling Ronnie that she can't be part of their horrible, dysfunctional relationship anymore. He responds that it really hurts him for her to leave, then interviews that he doesn't know how to pick himself up out of the hole he dug for himself. He says he's so ashamed that he can't look at himself in the mirror. Oh boohoo. The Situation -- who claims he's "a pretty deep dude" capable of wearing many hats like "Uncle Situation," "Doctor Situation," "Chef Situation," and "Bang-Your-Girl Situation" -- advises Ronnie to hit up the gym and listen to music to get over his woes. He gives him all sorts of Guido platitudes, congratulating himself on his brilliance as he goes, no less, and claims he's "good as hell" at relationship stuff. Ronnie begs to differ: "Listening to Mike about relationship problems is like listening to a sailor about flying a plane." Sitch admits he doesn't have anything hard and fast to tell Ronnie, except maybe to listen to some Michael Bolton. As you do. He says there's nothing really to be done since Sammi's not coming back this summer. At which point, this unctuous, smug smile spreads across his face. Like her decision to leave had a G-D thing to do with him. Oh, Sitch.

Sammi arrives home, saying she's destroyed and needs time to sit, think, and feel better about herself. She gives her mom the update on how Ronnie destroyed all her stuff. She says she feels like she's been abused. Well, it took a damn long time, but at least she's finally come to terms with reality. They say admitting you have a problem is the first step to fixing it. Her mom tells her that it might not be meant to be and offers her a shoulder to cry on. Sammi can't believe that someone she loves that much would abuse her like Ronnie did. Over and over again.

Back at the house, Ronnie probes the housemates for information about Sammi. All the girls gently but firmly tell Ronnie that they wouldn't have put up with the shit he made Sammi go through. They can't even look at him. All Ronnie can say is, "Fucked up, huh?" He says he finally recognizes that he destroyed the relationship and finally knows what a good thing he had. Snooki can't hide her eye rolls, and he calls her out for her dirty looks. She interviews that, even though she's on Team Sammi, she's over this whole saga. Ronnie tries one last stab for sympathy, saying he doesn't even want to sleep upstairs. Once the crickets start chirping, he realizes he's not getting any moral support tonight and leaves the girls' room. After he leaves, the girls are all, "Really?" Seriously, though, what an ass goblin. He went on a fucking tornado-like, maniacal spree of destruction against someone that he supposedly loves -- and all because she attempted to give him back about one-millionth of the damage that he inflicted on her in the last six months -- and now he expects people to feel sorry that she finally decided to leave? Adjust your injections, dude.

Ronnie takes his pity party downstairs to Vinny and Pauly, who blatantly pawn babysitting duties off on each other. Because no one gives a shit about Ronnie. End of story.

Apropos of that, Deena and Snooki decide to clear the air of Ronnie's toxic nonsense by playfully shoving cake in Vinny's face. Their plan goes off without a hitch, and Deena declares, "Team Meatballs, 1; Bromance, 0." With that, a prank war is on. Vinny states that Team Bromance has an obvious advantage of intelligence... and then he manages to pop a water balloon on himself not five steps from the sink. Seeing that Vinny is clearly not up to this task, Pauly decides to take things to the next level by taking JWOWW's dogs' poop nappies and sticking them under the girls' pillows. Now that ain't right! That's worse than the dirty pad, yo. As it happens, Deena has crawled under her bed and has watched this all go down. She responds in turn by sticking the very same fecal matter under Vinny's pillow.

Their prank is discovered a little while later, so Vinny grabs Nicole's prized crocodile pillow and hangs him from the porch for all of Seaside Heights to see. Snooki notices almost immediately. She waddles around the house forlornly, calling, "Croc? Croc??? Croc!!!" The guys laugh uproariously until Sitch finally points Snooki in the right direction. She screams and cackles at the hideous act as she pulls Crocodilly back up. Vinny owns up to it, but wonders why Sitch would fink on him. When Vinny calls him out, Sitch is like, "You all are idiots." And if The Situation is implying that you are immature or petty, you better straighten up, buddy. In any case, Vinny decides that Mr. Sorrentino will now be known as "Snitch-uation."

The next day, Ronnie continues to schlep around glumly as he, Snooki, and Deena head for work at the shore store. Back home, Ronnie's presence is still felt because he apparently clogged up the toilet. Since Vinny has to drop the kids off at the pool, it falls to him to pick up the plunger and get to work. And man is that water rank. We're talkin' swamp gulch, folks. When the plunger fails, Vinny deconstructs a wire hanger, then finally gives up and calls a plumber. Thanks, Ronnie!

Shore store. Deena updates their boss on Ronnie's epileptic fit of rage from the night before. At one point in the day, Snooki needs to go to the bathroom, but Ronnie's in there sobbing about how he'll never be able to come home to Sammi with a crappy T-shirt emblematic of their tumultuous affair. I don't even want to know what such a T-shirt would say from a dumbass like Ronnie.

Back at the house, JWOWW, Sitch, and Pauly discuss what will become of the Ronster now that Sammi is actually out of the picture. JWOWW says she feels somewhat bad for him but also acknowledges that he should feel bad for what happened. Sitch says Ronnie told him he was thinking about leaving. Pauly wonders whether Ronnie's wet blanket behavior will throw off MVP's game, and the others agree that Single Ronnie is no more. Way to keep it in perspective, guys. Sheesh. JWOWW thinks they should move Sammi's stuff down to the girls' room so Ronnie can't look at it and fester. The guys say they're heading out for a haircut that afternoon and, thus, a plan is formed.

Ronnie arrives back and immediately orders roses for Sammi's sister's birthday as well as roses with all the trimmings for Sammi for the next three days. Eventually, the guys lure Ronnie away for haircuts and eyebrow waxing (Sitch!). Naturally, The Situation decides to spell out the classifications of ugly bitches for the benefit of their barbers. It goes a little something like this: Grenade, Grenade Launcher, Submarine, Tank, A-Bomb. Just FYI.

Meanwhile, the girls get to work, with JWOWW inadvertently picking up a pair of Ronnie's stanky underpants along the way. They wonder what they should say to Ronnie when he notices Sammi's stuff is missing. Instead of coming up with a story -- or just recognizing that it will have obviously been them -- JWOWW's, like, "Well, let's just hurry." Great plan, WOWW.

The guys get back home, and Ronnie immediately notices the difference. It hits him that Sammi really is gone. The only catch is that the girls forgot a bag, so Ronnie cottons on to the fact that Sammi probably didn't come by and get the stuff herself. Even though they're obviously caught, the girls lie through their teeth about moving Sammi's stuff. JWOWW quickly calls Sammi but clams up when Ronnie hovers around and drops the bag Sammi supposedly forgot. Ronnie calls shenanigans that the girls are suddenly sticking up for Sammi after months of battling with her. Frankly, that should be even more blatant a demonstration of what a wretched example of humanity he's been to make them do a 180 switch of alliances. But since nothing is ever Ronnie's fault, he pawns it off to the fact that the girls should just mind their business. He says he doesn't

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