Jersey Shore

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Sleeping with the Enemy

Previously: Everyone came brought their Jersey funk to Miami. Even Angelina, a.k.a. the one that everyone hates. And Ronnie smushed up on some stripper, but Sammi doesn't know it yet...

We return to the first-night shenanigans in progress. The guys and Angelina return home, where Ronnie brags about macking on all the chicks in Miami. When all is said and done, he cockily decides to go spend the night in Sammi's bed. The Situation takes particularly offense to this, though it's unclear whether he's more offended on Sammi's behalf or because Ronnie has managed to upgrade from the grenades at the club. I'm guessing a little more Column B than Column A. Of course he's encouraging Ronnie every step of the way -- to his face. Sitch is slippery like that. As is Ronnie, who slithers into Sammi's bed and lies that he didn't do anything that night because he loves her. Vinnie interviews that the shit is imminently going to hit the fan.

The next morning as the whole gang wakes up, Ronnie is especially strung out, claiming he "had a Snooki night." Haven't we all? Pauly brags to a friend on the phone about how Ronnie was creeping hard at the club, including but not limited to stripper poles, and then came home to get in bed with Sammi. And the best part is -- get ready for it -- Sammi doesn't know! Pauly classifies this as "gangsta," something he'd do. Regardless of the skeezy status of Ronnie's actions, I'm sure Angelina will fuck it up for everyone when and if necessary. It's what she does, y'all. Ruins everything. The Scott Baio of the Jersey Shore, if you will.

As they head into the kitchen, Pauly says that Ronnie's new nickname is IFF, which stands for the "I'm Fucked Foundation," of which Ronnie is both the President and a member. Ronnie doubles back to ask if he three-way kissed anybody. Yes, you did my not-so-good man! Cue video footage! And the oral herpes lives to tell. Ronnie tells Pauly he's supposed to stop him from that sort of creeping. To which I say, "If you're putting Pauly in charge of your accountability, you're fucked." Or part of the I'm Fucked Foundation, as it were. Ronnie acknowledges that Sammi will be super-unhappy about his three-way kissing tomfoolery but consoles himself by saying she doesn't have any right to be since they're not together. And, I mean, it's not like he came home from da clubz and creeped on her or anything... oh wait.

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Jersey Shore

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