Jersey Shore
The Truth Will Set You Free

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: C- | Grade It Now!
Vagina Mold, Truth Be Told

Which is exactly what the two straggling Karma couples are doing as they make their way back to the house. Instead of focusing all his penile energy on JWOWW, Roger whispers sweet guido nothing into Ronnie's ear, telling him, "I'm going to come in [your room], and I'm going to slap [my dick] on your forehead!" Ummmmm... okay.

Back outside da club, Unit is falling-down drunk and clearly in no position to stage some Sitch-iavellian ambush. They walk home, shirtless and embracing as Sitch gives Unit a pep talk about sobering up and preparing for war. Except that makes it sound a lot more macho and a lot less homoerotic than it is. Like, he's literally talking about changing his clothes. Next thing you know he'll be offering him sweat pants and spraying Unit down with Axe. Like, that is where this is going. And something tells me that Unit will be down for more than cuddling. He actually says, "I just need to get you a little more sober so you can handle some of my business." I think he even notices how ridiculous it sounds as the innuendo crosses his lips. Then again, Sitch basically thinks everything he says is a mixture of Eddie Murphy hilarity, Sun Tzu strategery, and Shakespearian eloquence, so he could just be chuckling a congratulation to himself for another brilliant turn of phrase. Unit is certainly in no shape to respond.

JWOWW and Roger arrive home and head for the Smush Room. Pauly tells Vinny, "What's going to go upstairs is just gross." Unlike his almost nightly getting-it-in with a nameless string of human glory holes, love making is absolutely repulsive. Repulsive, I say!

In an epically ironic preemptive moment, Unit is arrested for public intoxication! It's like Snooki made a deal with the devil to dole a knife-twisting dose of "Suck it!" in which her foe would be felled by the very demons that plague her. Sitch is genuinely broken and mortified -- not for his drunk tank-bound friend, mind you, but for the fact that his dumbass plan has failed yet again. Sitch goes to bed to wait it out while Unit endures his police-supervised sobering-up. As he lies there, he decides to go rogue once and for all, turning Operation: Jionni Jump into a one-man affair (pun intended).

The next morning, while making calls to check up on Unit, the chance lands in Sitch's lap (just like Snooki's face, oh!) when Jionni wakes up and heads to the kitchen. With Snooki snoring in the next room, Sitch moves in for the kill: "It's my moment." They head out to the porch for a "private" conversation. He starts off by telling Jionni, "I'm just gonna, like, make this really quick and as painless as possible." Title card: "IT'S ON."

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Jersey Shore




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