Upstairs, Sitch claims he's been dying to know one thing the last three summers: "Are Jenni's boobs real?" And with that clunker of a joke he just officially became everyone's weird uncle. Luckily for everyone else, Sitchy's cab arrives. Everyone gives him a noncommittal hug except Snooki, who gives him a dead-fish handshake because she can't be bothered to get up from the hammock.
Vinny's mother arrives next, and he can tell it's her by her knock! It's kind of adorable, though considering Vinny adorable only brought a flashback of his gross lesbian-poaching antics. Vinny lets Mama Guadagnino in, and she is so horrified by the cottage cheese looking dross floating around in the indoor kiddie pool that she has to get out of there before vomiting and/or crossing herself and/or screaming, "Why, God? Why my son?!" Vinny leaves without the slightest acknowledgement of the end of his for-the-ages love affair with Pauly. For a moment, my heart broke into a million pieces. Technically not even for a second, I guess, because the door hasn't even closed before Vinny comes shrieking back in the house to embrace Pauly. They jump up and down and generally brolove all over each other. It's only right. In my perfect world, Vinny, Snooki, and Pauly would live in a polyamorous relationship together, with JWOWW stopping by occasionally to give them a reality check and be sexy with Pauly. (Remember those first few episodes? They were glorious!)
Vinny finally leaves, and Pauly sticks his lip out in a pout as the final three wait it out. Deena is next to go, though the Meatball goodbye is not nearly as touching as the end of the bromance. Deena notes that she'll miss even the looniest moments. "It's kind of like a soap opera," she says, "but I'm not gonna lie, I'm kind of addicted to soap operas."
Big Jerry is next to pick up Pauly. It's kind of surprising they didn't end with Pauly since he's getting the first spin-off to air, but it seems only right that Snooki is the last one out. In the most unexpected turn of events, she's the first one to start a real life. Lest I get too philosophical about it all, we're treated to a shot of Big Jerry pratfalling as he tries to fit all but one of Pauly's 75 suitcases into the Caddy (they simply abandon one of them), plus the vision of Pauly riding all the way back to Rhode Island with the Snooki-sized mini motorcycle on his lap. For all this show's failings, it never lets you get too serious. Thanks, show!