Jersey Shore
We Are Family

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The Bitchuation

Later, Sitchy's brother Frank and Deena's sister Joanie call when they're on their way to the Boardwalk. Deena answers and makes plans to see them that night at Jenks. While Deena ponders the horrifying notion that Sitch could be brother-in-law in the nearish future, Snooki confirms Sitch's prediction from last episode and decides to make peace with him. They hit up the bar and share a big ol' bucket-glass of Voodoo Juice. Sitch doesn't even take a breath before he starts talking about some choice gossip he heard about Joanie from Unit. Pause! Why is this not bothering Snooki? It's gossip about her BFF, and it coming from The Unit. Snooki laps it up, even as Sitch tells her that Deena's sister does some sort of bleepedy-bleep that appears to involve drinking urine, eating excrement, or some sort of jenkem-y combination of the two. Even after Snooki and Sitch basically spell Joanie's "talent" out, I still have no idea what they're talking about. And I am genuinely, truly, down-to-my-soul grateful for that. Also that I am not Joanie "The Chosen One" Cortese.

Sitch wonders idly if he should use his intel "for good or evil." Inexplicably, Snooki is pretty la-di-da about it. She half-heartedly tells him not to say anything, but she clearly doesn't care enough to really try to talk him out of anything he chooses to do. She quips, "Maybe she has allergies," which makes me even more confused. But back to the real issue: If the tables were turned, and Sitch were asking Deena a similar good-versus-evil scenario, Snooki would fly into a blind rage if Deena didn't fight tooth-and-nail for her friend. Has Snooki been Stepforded? Do the woods really change a woman that much?

That night, the gang gets ready for Jenks. Hilariously, JWOWW puts on the most covering dress she's ever worn on this show (possibly in her life) and deems it "too much." Yeah, she's referring to the sparkly detailing and the fact that Jenks is a shithole, but that JWOWW has ever even been made aware of the concept of "too much" is in and of itself cackle-inducing. Speaking of too much, Deena breaks out her "funbags dress" and reveals that she has names for her tits (as any self-respecting sketcherina does) -- the right one is Devil, and the left one is Angel. And that dress appears to have blown them up to 250%. Holy hell, I need a dress like that. Then again, I'd attract the kind of people Deena attracts, so... maybe not. Vinny also puts on a too-tight top, and Deena snarks, "Where'd you get that, Baby Gap?" Is it any worse than the denim-pocket number he rocked a few episodes ago? No. Definitely no.

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Jersey Shore

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