Jersey Shore
We Are Family

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now!
The Bitchuation

Jenks-em! While Deena offers up her breasts as a cup holder for Pauly, Vinny meets two girls. It's clear that they are strictly vagickly, but it's still a little bit inappropriate when the first words to tumble out of his mouth are, "Hi, I'm Vinny. Are you guys lesbians?" Not a breath nor pause between the formality and the objective. Vinny has found his Moby No-Dick. For whatever reason, one of the girls appoints herself Vinny's wingwoman. He gets increasingly hot and bothered as they compare coochie notes.

Elsewhere, Joanie enters the fray. Sitch is super-cagey with her, and Snooki immediately spills the gossip. She tells all the girls that Sitch said Joanie "s****** and s***." Still. Have. No. Idea. Whatisgoingon! The best part is that Deena is not so much concerned for her sister's reputation, she's concerned that Sitch is not respecting her privacy. I think that's your confirmation. If it's something as repulsive as they're making it out to be, and Deena isn't horrified by the notion that Joanie might be doing/performing/partaking in it, then she likely is.

While that conflict builds up, Vinny continues lesbian hunting. Having nothing to lose, he lays it all out there, inviting the girls to come back and party with him so he can give them the best night of their lives. They actually humor him, and the search for the sexual Holy Grail is on!

Once they get back, Ronnie actually forces Vinny to haggle with him over the smush room. He doesn't think it's worth sacrificing a few hours of sleep if the lesbians aren't of the ultra-hot-when-Angelina-Jolie-was-a-lesbian variety. His words: "Did you look at their faces? One of them actually looks like Matthew McConaughey." Okay, that was funny. Nonetheless, he's being a bastard about it because clearly Vinny is not going to be able to get his bang on with two already-penis-averse women in a twin bed. And, as Vinny, notes he should get this one pass considering how much bullshit SamRo 2.0 have put him through. Eventually Ronnie agrees to give up the room, but he insists on moving his mattress out, so Pauly has to help Vinny move another mattress in there. Some people will always have Paris. These folks will always have petty bullshit. And impressively low standards.

Lesbian threesome time, y'all! As Vinny takes the "ladies" up to the CSR, Pauly lays out the challenge like it's a spirit quest: "My man Vinny's about to do the impossible -- he's going to try to turn these two lesbians straight. This isn't going to be an easy smush, call the cabs when you're done. It's going to take a lot of work, and he's not going to get any sleep." Vinny is equally bombastic, saying, "This is the moment when heroes are made. There are going to be history books written about this. This story's going to be told for generations to come." At least dismissive blogs. I got you covered, Vin-man! The three of them lie down on the bed, they lean in for a group kiss, and...

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Jersey Shore




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