Jersey Shore

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Crunk & Disorderly

It turns out to be a no-hitter for all when Sitch's threesome turns into a chaste "D-some." Deena offers him a massage and all sorts of services, but all he can muster is to ask her whether she showered, squeeze his eyes as tightly shut as possible, and tell her to relax and go to sleep. Instead, she asks him how many girls he's slept with. Sitch falls back to his last resort, kissing her to shut her up. She makes the unfortunate decision to go to the bathroom, and Sitch takes the opportunity to employ his "kitchen ditchin'" strategy. Deena returns to an empty bed, and Sitch pulls a fasty on her by going to sleep in her bed while she waits in his. What trickery! What intrigue! What a pitiful lot they've all become!

The next morning, Pauly invites Snooki to GTL with him. She proves what a newbie she is by not wearing underwear to the gym and struggling on some weird ladder-climbing machine. Pauly schools Snooki at the gym, too, by owning her at the tanning salon. I guess now he'll have to check the "Other" ethnicity box and write in "Tan," too.

On the way home, Pauly asks Snooki how she's going to deal with working with Sammi that night. Snooki insists that, unlike unforgiving JWOWW, she would go back to Square One with Sammi if Sammi would just apologize. Pauly thinks the whole saga is crazy, which is pretty much like calling the sky blue at this point. Once they get back home, Snooki immediately starts wining about her itchy ass. She says that she put lotion on it at the tanning salon so she'd get extra-crispy, but now it's burning. Ever the resourceful one, she cools her haunches refuge in a dorm-sized refrigerator.

Elsewhere, Sammi buries herself in her covers and festers in her self-made misery. She admits her deep insecurity about Ronnie, saying every time he leaves her side, she obsessively thinks he's trying to hurt her. Ronnie comes home and asks her what's wrong. She won't tell him, so he immediately goes ape-shit on her, stopping just short of pounding his chest. The Situation stumbles upon the argument in media res and interviews that these two just need to break up already. Ronnie says he needs "a mind condom because [he's] getting mind fucked." Sammi finally agrees to go outside to talk, so Ronnie coaxes her into opening her heart by yelling at her some more. Naturally.

Downstairs, Sitch, Deena and JWOWW can hear the smash-up in progress. Sitch thinks this whole soap opera is Sammi's fault, which is partly true but also a big old load of sexist bullshit if I ever saw one. Sure, she shouldn't have chosen him over her girlfriends, but the fact that he's a lying, philandering sack of monkey butts is not all on her. In any case, from Sitch's perspective, Sammi should have asserted herself a long time ago, giving Ronnie space to be himself (see above) and Sammi the chance get to know herself. JWOWW dismisses Sammi as being "not the type to let loose." Forget the girl in the club last week, Sammi is the parasite here.

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Jersey Shore

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