Joan of Arcadia

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Deborah: A | Grade It Now!

Joan's at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, with one foot up on a lower, nearby counter. The leg of her jeans is rolled up, and she's dabbing calamine lotion on a large, red, inflamed area on her leg, and scratching it too: "Great. Leprosy. Just in time for summer." Isn't it just a little gross to be doing this in the kitchen? Luke says it's probably a staph infection she picked up in the locker room. He glances at it and says, "Ooh, very tenacious. Calamine's not gonna do it." Joan: "Hey! Sometimes science should be seen and not heard." Kevin, closing the fridge, comments, "Legs are overrated. Take it from an expert: you can still get laid. Oh, yeah." Heh. Joan: "Do boys have to talk?" Helen comes down the kitchen stairs, apologizing for being late: "Who wants pancakes?" Kevin points out that they're already eating: "Day-old burrito for me. Luke has some fish sticks, and Joan has corn chips." Joan: "Bean dip -- protein." Helen grouses that they're all going to get scurvy. Luke: "Joan already has it." Helen looks at Joan's leg and asks, "What is that?" Joan: "It's God's idea of a cruel joke. Last day of school, party in the quad, everybody wearing miniskirts: let's give Joan herpes." "Everybody" in miniskirts? Who's sponsoring this party, the Gap? Like Joan ever wears miniskirts, anyway. So not her style. And I'll just bet Grace is ripping her closet apart right now, trying to decide between her pink miniskirt and her peach one. Helen says she looks cute in jeans. Joan: "You don't like boys looking at my legs." Helen: "Yeah. I'm kind of Amish that way."

As she fills a coffeepot, she offhandedly mentions she dreamt about God last night. Joan looks concerned, but before she can say anything, Helen pleads with her children to at least have some juice. Joan: "Are you kidding?" Helen: "Just a thimbleful of vitamins. It might even cure your rash." Joan says she was talking about God. Helen: "God was like this teenage boy, and then he turned into you." Joan laughs a nervous, fake laugh. Luke: "I have my recurring dream: Manning the Mars lander." Kevin tells him there's no man in the Mars lander. Luke: "Well, there is in my dream…and he's naked." Joan: "Whoa!" She makes sounds of revulsion. Will comes down the kitchen stairs: "Pancakes?" Helen says she'll make some. Will was actually offering to do it himself. He kisses her, and she says she accepts. Will tells his sons, "She was making Lassie sounds in her sleep." Joan: "Too much bedroom." She holds up and waves a warning finger. Helen continues, "It's just that God was in this corduroy coat, and then he turned into Joan." Joan asks, disturbed: "Brown corduroy coat?" Helen, not terribly surprised: "Yeah. Very handsome." Joan: "Short, spiky hair?" Helen: "You've had that dream?" Joan: "Sort of. But why are you having it?" Luke, breezing around the kitchen: "Oh, classic mother-daughter psychic connection stuff." He believes in that? Will takes a cell phone call and has to leave to deal with a hostage situation: "Domestic [conflict] gone bad." And it's at the precinct. Kevin: "When does a hostage situation ever work out?" Will kisses Helen and says he'll call her. As he leaves, Joan asks exactly what God looked like and said to Helen in her dream. Helen tells her it was just a dream, and that Joan better get her leg looked at. Joan, glumly: "Oh, believe me…it's gonna get looked at."

From the warm golden Girardi kitchen to the cold, grey-blue police station. The place is crawling with cops who've drawn their weapons, surrounding a guy who's holding tightly onto a pretty blonde woman and pointing a handgun at her. They're inside a glassed-in interview room or office. Various civilians and support staff are scurrying around, trying to get out of the way. Will arrives, wearing a bulletproof vest, and asks Toni for a synopsis. She says it's just your average domestic dispute gone bad: "Guy with a 9 mm to his wife's head, asking for his mommy." Detective Chewy, who is in fact chewing something, tells him they brought him in and tried to calm him down, but he suddenly went nuts and grabbed a gun from a uniformed officer: "Here we are." Chewy's okay, but I kinda miss Lt. Daghlian. Who's with me? ["I feel you." -- Sars] Toni tells Will the guy's name is Walter. Will calls out to Walter, introducing himself and saying he'd like to work something out. Sars: "Now he's a hostage negotiator?" Seriously. Wouldn't there be special staff on the force for this? I suppose his experience being taken hostage a few months back qualifies him somewhat. Walter reads our minds, making us laugh: "What the hell are you, some kind of hostage negotiator?" Will: "Walter, I'm the guy who's gonna get you out of here, if you'll let me." Walter: "Oh, yeah, like out of the frying pan and into the fire. You'll decide what I'm about, and you'll put me away, and I won't get a chance." Will tells them they can discuss that at length: "Just put the gun down before someone gets hurt." The wife finally speaks: "And I am pregnant, too!" Will, to Toni: "Oh, boy!" Toni semi-sarcastically says he's doing great. Walter wants to know where his mother is. Another officer tells Will quietly that she's on her way. Will relays the information to Walter and asks him to hang in there. He comments to Toni, "I want my mother." Toni: "Who doesn't?"

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Joan of Arcadia




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