Joan of Arcadia
Vanity, Thy Name Is Human

Episode Report Card
Deborah: B | 2 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Maybe He's Born With It...Maybe It's Maybelline

Shout-out to smijca for the blurb title.

The Girardi offspring have been entrusted with the task of grocery shopping. Of course, Helen's only loosened her grip so much; it still seems to take three teenagers to accomplish the task. Speaking of teenagers…shouldn't one of these kids have had a birthday by now? Maybe they were all born during the summer months. Aw, summer birthdays. I'll try to keep my resentment about having a winter birthday bottled up. In the Great White North, winter birthdays suck, especially if you, you know, hate winter. My sister's birthday is at the end of June, and she always got to have pool parties and parties at the play park and I don't know what-all. School was also always out by her birthday, whereas my birthday falls midterm, so I almost always had an exam on my birthday or the day after, or a paper due on my birthday or the day after. No, I'm hardly bitter at all. Man, I'm not five seconds into the show and already I've digressed so very much.

Anyway, Kevin's commandeering the cart and list, and Joan and Luke are grabbing items. Kevin requests some instant mashed potatoes and Joan, grabbing the box, expresses her dumsquizzlement: "Those potatoes are from a box?" Kevin: "Yep. And apparently, there's a bomb that can blow up the entire world." Heh. But dude: Fat Tony eats instant garlic mashed potatoes? I don't think so. Luke's located the marinated artichoke hearts. Joan: "Those were from a can?" Kevin: "Did you think Mom was running a kibbutz?" Hee. He's really on today. Joan: "Whoa, look: a picture of a whole artichoke. They're freaky-looking, huh?" Kevin wants to get to the jars of spaghetti sauce. Joan, stunned: "No. No!" Kevin laughs: "You went for it!" Joan smacks him in the head, pretty hard, actually. I felt sorry for him for a moment, but then the whole rest of the show happened, and I couldn't help but feel he needed to be slapped much, much harder. Luke wants them to hustle along, because he has to call Glynis. Why? Are the futzomorphs about to emerge from their chrysalides? Kevin says the next item on the list is an economy-sized tube of hemorrhoid cream. Without any discussion the kids all start doing Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide who has to endure the embarrassment of picking the item off the shelf. A girl gathering produce nearby notices them and says, "Kevin?" He looks surprised: "Beth." She's played by Kimberly McCullough, with whom I'm not personally familiar, but she got a very warm reception on the forums from General Hospital fans. She's totally the girl next door.

Beth, smiling somewhat awkwardly: "I thought that was you, and look, it's you." Kevin: "And not that other guy you dated who ended up in a wheelchair?" Joan and Luke just look kind of uncomfortable, along with Beth. She greets them and says, "Wow, everyone looks the same." Kevin: "Only shorter." Beth: "Well, I guess Staten Island wasn't that long ago." Wow! We finally know where they used to live. Not what I figured at all. Kevin says he still remembers the fight song. She asks him how everything is, and Kevin gives a little laugh that's almost mirthless but not quite, and hesitates slightly before saying, "Great. You?" She states that she's attending Fordham College in Fordham. Is that a real place in Maryland? Because the Fordham College I think most people know is in New York, and that's a heck of a commute. Of course, given the view from the roof of the school later, maybe we're not in Maryland anymore. She says she works in Arcadia a couple of days a week to pay for school. She explains her dance scholarship never happened because she injured her knee, or rather, screwed it up. She breaks off, saying, "I'm babbling." Joan: "You do it very well." She adds, "So, I'm studying business now, which doesn't require a pirouette." Or, you know, spending your career in shoes full of blood. (Well, I guess it might depend on what business she gets into.) Kevin: "Yeah, I guess a lot of stuff ends in high school." Beth looks kind of pained by that remark and says she has to get going. She says it was good to see them, and asks them to pass her regards along to their parents. It looks like there are a bunch more things she wants to say to Kevin, but she can tell it's neither the time nor the place, and just leaves awkwardly. Kevin crosses his arms and watches her go. Luke: "That was weird." Joan agrees. Kevin: "No, it was great. Just like old times." They get back to the list, and Luke reminds him they need hemorrhoid cream. The three of them start to do Rock, Paper, Scissors again but Kevin says, "Hell, I'll get it. I got no pride left." He wheels off as his siblings watch him, dismayed. Credits. I really hope Chris Marquette and Becky Wahlstrom are in the credits for the next season. I know Chris should be, but I wouldn't want to have to spend the whole season complaining that Becky isn't.

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Joan of Arcadia

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