Joe Millionaire
Diamond Ring

Episode Report Card
Kim: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Diamond Ring

We're back to the original opening this week, which gives me hope. I mean, last week, they cut a new opening montage and then the rest of the episode was previously seen footage and filler, so maybe if they are showing the same old opening, that means the episode is all new. Right? Right?

Oh, God. The editors have the fucking audacity to include a "Last Week On..." segment. Let's see. Last week on Joe Millionaire: absolutely nothing happened, and viewers everywhere were seriously pissed. Last week on Joe Millionaire: the editors scrounged around on the cutting-room floor and found five minutes worth of unseen footage, which they then proceeded to slice and dice into an hour-long episode. Last week on Joe Millionaire: Kim nearly had a stroke and her recap turned into some sort of quasi-Andy Rooney complaint-fest. Okay, what they really claim is that last week, 1987 Courteney Cox told Sarah and Zora that Evan was going to give one of them a diamond ring. But first, Evan wanted to take each of them on a walk. Zora flung her hair around and walked like a zombie, while Sarah schemed as to how she could once again ditch the cameras and run off into the woods. And then they want us to believe that Evan was still having trouble making up his mind. Whatever. It's not like they're getting married, or even engaged. So what if he picks the wrong one? The stakes aren't exactly high. The best part of this whole montage is that, in the last scene, the announcer intones, "The construction worker will find out if he has really found true love." And then the visual is of Evan staring at a bottle of beer. Mmm, beer.

Mastercheese Theatre. Paul must be really drunk by now. Paul asks what the girls will do when they find out the truth about Evan. He introduces the possibility that Evan might get eliminated, and says that after Evan reveals his choice, and his true financial status, he will wait for his chosen woman in the ballroom. And then there'll be that big twist we've been promised. I've seen so many twist scenarios bounced around in our forums and in the media that not much could shock me at this point. Although I think a good twist would be if both women showed up and told Evan that he's such a lunkhead that he's turned them off men forever, and they are running away with each other. And then Evan would be like, "Could I just watch you make out?" And they'd be like, "Hell, no! Step off, beeyotch!" I'm telling you. Fox needs to hire me. I've got great ideas. Oh, I forgot. This is an "unscripted" "reality" "show."

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Joe Millionaire

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