Joe Millionaire
Filler Necklace

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Filler Necklace

Sarah tests out different outfits. Evan walks sloooooowly up to the chateau. Zora tosses her hair around. Sarah puts on makeup. Zora lurches across her room. Sarah puts on lotion. Zora puts on lotion. Sarah lays out her shoes. Zora puts on hairspray. Sarah puts on more lotion. What's with the fucking lotion? Maybe that's the real ending. Evan is a serial killer who has been fattening the girls up so he can make a suit out of their skin.

Paul tells Sarah and Zora that Evan is waiting for them downstairs. Sarah grabs her coat and purse, like, if she doesn't get the ring, are they just going to toss her out on the street? Because that would be awesome. Zora lumbers down the stairs. Each woman heads for the salon and sits down.

Paul knocks and tells Evan that the women are ready. Evan walks out into the hall, and he actually dressed up this time! Sort of. It's a green crewneck sweater, but it's better than that smelly Fisherman's sweater he's been wearing every other day. In an interview, Evan says that he thought this was a game, but that he has feelings for both of them. Evan walks into the room and sits down. In an interview, for the fourth fucking time this episode, Evan says, "It's time to make a decision." Evan swallows hard and tells an unseen woman that what he's going to say might be a shock. Cut to the front of the chateau as we hear Evan say that he didn't inherit $50 million, and that he's a heavy equipment operator.

Mastercheese Theatre. Paul apologizes for not telling us Evan's final decision this week, and invites us back for the two-hour finale. Paul says that Evan will give us his choice, and also confess the truth: "That he's not really an heir at all." Paul concludes, "Oh, and by the way, in the past I have refused to comment on rumors about how Joe Millionaire's story will end with a twist. But this evening, I will comment. Those rumors are not rumors at all. In fact, the final chapter of our story does have a rather big, surprising, and remarkable twist." Paul pours himself some more cognac and promises to wait for our return.

Next week: The original twenty women speak out. Evan feels guilty. Evan chooses one of the women and asks her to come to the ballroom and give her answer. And then there's a twist. You know, when they hype it up like this, nothing could possibly meet our expectations. It's all very, "Don't miss the last five minutes!" Fuck off, FOX. This episode blew.

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Joe Millionaire

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