Joe Millionaire
Meet David Smith

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Meet David Smith

Paul sits in front of the fire with his brandy, and welcome us back. Paul says that we may be "wondering how [they] could have possibly managed to pull this off." Yes, Paul. I am wondering. Because I have been living in a cave for the past three months, without access to newspapers, magazines, television, the internet, or other people, and thus have heard nothing about the premise of this show. Also, I have failed to watch any FOX programming for the past four weeks, and thus somehow missed the eight million commercials for this show that totally gave away the whole premise. If FOX wanted better ratings for this episode, they should have kept the premise a secret. Paul explains that the producers found fourteen "gorgeous, sophisticated and refined" ladies in Europe who had never heard of the show. I don't want those kinds of ladies! I want women like Heidi and Sarah! Paul says that women all over the world have a lot in common: "Some are nice, some are not so nice, and some of them are only in it for the money." So you mean that women are a lot like men in that regard? Wait, women are human beings? Say it isn't so. Oh, how The Rules have failed me yet again. Paul wonders if the new Joe will make the right choice, and whether his "newfound love" will accept him once she knows the truth. Paul also promises that we might think we know, but truly we don't know how this will all end up, because "many a twist and turn awaits [us]." Yeah, I've heard that before. Paul is like my abusive husband. He keeps promising me that things will be better, and so I keep taking him back, and then he just beats me down one more time.

So let's meet the new Joe! Could they have possibly found someone as doofy as Evan? To start with, his name is David Smith. Well, that's memorable. They couldn't find a John Doe or a...I just asked my husband to help me think of a common male American name and he offered up "Joaquin." So I told him it needed to be a first and last name and he said, "Fran Tarkenton." He is no help at all. And we're at the rodeo! And David is taking his shirt off for no apparent reason! Not that I'm complaining because he is some serious eye candy. How do you think the producers talked him into that one? "But David, we need to shoot footage of you changing into your cowboy outfit! Otherwise, people won't understand how you started out in one shirt and ended up in another. Trust us, we're professionals. No, it won't be exploitative." And then I picture David like Coco in Fame, clutching his shirt and crying, but knowing that this is what he has to do to become a star. And then he'll sing "Out Here On My Own." That would be awesome. Anyway, David explains that he "ride[s] bareback broncs for a living." Dirty! And then he adds that he gets excited when he rides. Dirtier! Hee! David gets bucked off a horse. David's rodeo coach explains that even people who win a lot have a hard time making a living on the rodeo circuit.

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Joe Millionaire

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