Joe Millionaire
Meet David Smith

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Meet David Smith

Florence, Italy. Total stock footage of an airplane landing, probably in, like, Iowa or something. David's car speeds through the streets and parks in front of the fancy house. I hope they sped up that driving footage, because otherwise that car was definitely breaking some speed limits. Paul opens the car door, and David steps out. They shake hands, and Paul shows him inside. David can't believe how big the place is, and how many rooms it contains. I'm so embarrassed for people from Texas, people named David, and anyone connected with the rodeo. Paul points out various features, including the waterfall. David says that it's beautiful, and Paul says that it's "the perfect fit for the young millionaire who needs to woo fourteen beautiful women." David just keeps saying, "Yes, sir." Paul advises David to treat it like his own home, and to let the staff take care of him and make himself comfortable, so that the women will believe his ruse. The editors insert a fake voice-over of Paul saying that they have an early start the next day, and David has a lot to learn.

The sun rises. "La Dona Mobile" plays, and then a rooster crowing interrupts it. It's 7:00 AM sharp, according to some on-screen text. That was so dumb. If it were not sharp, it would have said like 7:04 AM or something. Paul tells David that they need to speak about their relationship. Oh, is Paul giving him the "it's not you, it's me" speech? Oh, Paul is talking about their employer/employee relationship. Paul says that he works for David, and David laughs at the ridiculous idea. Paul says that David needs to call him Paul instead of Sir. David agrees, but then immediately answers the next question, "Yes, sir." A little bell chimes, and David corrects himself, "Yes, Paul." Paul says that they need to turn David into a gentleman.

Suddenly, it's two hours later. What in the hell were they doing for two hours? Because David is still sitting in exactly the same spot. I'm starting to think that they are just randomly claiming various times to make it seem like the day is moving along. That's time-stamp abuse! Paul is giving David a lecture about the various countries of origin of the fourteen women. David is actually taking notes. Hee! The most ridiculous part is that Paul tells David the capital of each country. Why would David need to know that? Does that really come up in general conversation on dates? "You have beautiful eyes. They remind me of the lights found in Rome, the capital city of your country, Italy." David asks, "Where's Dutch again?" Paul points out Holland. David responds, "That's where they wear the wooden shoes." Paul rolls his eyes. Hey, at least he didn't bring up dikes.

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Joe Millionaire

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