Joe Millionaire
Pearl Necklace

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The Butler Did It!

It's time for the ball. In case you weren't sure, some on-screen text reads, "The Ball." Paul escorts each woman to the ballroom. Evan stands on the dance floor like a lump. Evan voice-overs that the ball was his formal introduction to the women. He keeps calling them "girls," and it's really starting to bother me. Paul introduces the first woman. Hey, it's my redhead! Her name is Alison. She's wearing a gown with a strapless black bodice and a white skirt. The bodice doesn't fit very well, and it kind of gives her walleye boob. They shake hands. Evan asks if she's nervous or excited. Alison says she's more nervous than excited. Evan tells her to have a drink, sit down, and enjoy herself.

The women start coming fast and furious, and if they don't spend a lot of time on them, I'm not going to either. Amanda is a brunette wearing a strapless black velvet gown. Dayana is wearing the aforementioned "piece-of-shit purple" dress, but I still think she looks great. It appears to be a two-piece dress, and it really shows off her figure, but not in an obnoxious way. Hey, there's Brandy. She's a fine girl. What a good wife she would be. She's wearing a one-shoulder black dress, but she kind of ruins the effect by carrying a shoulder bag. Get a clutch and move on. Andrea and Amy quickly follow. In an interview, Evan says that the first impression was the best part, because it was exciting, and the girls looked beautiful. Dana, the tall blonde, enters. She's wearing a black gown with an asymmetrical neckline. Erica, the one who looks like a mom (but she called Heidi on her bullshit, so she's aces with me), is also wearing a black gown with a tank neckline. You all are lucky I bought a wedding dress last year, because otherwise I would have no clue what these necklines are called.

Heidi enters next, and she gets the full introduction. She's wearing a pink sparkly dress that would not be out of place on an episode of Love Boat. Evan shakes her hand. Heidi interrupts to say she has to do one thing, and she starts examining his hand. On the sidelines, Amanda shakes her head like, "That bitch." In an interview, Heidi says she wanted to check out his hands to make sure he was real. I am only made a little bit happy by the fact that Heidi's bra is sticking out of her dress in the back. Heidi rubs Evan's hand in what I'm sure she thinks is a sensuous manner and then moves on. Katie (the doctor, not my second best friend) walks in wearing an eggplant-colored gown and looking like she's serving on the homecoming court.

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Joe Millionaire

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