Joe Millionaire
Pearl Necklace

Episode Report Card
Kim: A | Grade It Now!
The Butler Did It!

At the chateau, Paul tells us that he's previously worked with some very wealthy people. Name names! Dish dirt! Paul claims that his former employers are billionaires. It's time for the Pygmalion portion of the proceedings. Paul gives Evan a lesson in choosing wine. Paul claims that "eating hamburgers, and belching and farting and so forth, as you go along, really is not gonna go down with the young ladies." See, this is yet another reason I couldn't go on this show. I would totally dig a guy who ate a hamburger and belched. Maybe not on the first date, but burps are funny! Also, that would probably mean that I couldn't belch either, and I would hate to deprive the world of my fine, cultured belches. Paul lists off some foods, and Evan guesses whether you would serve them with red or white wine. Evan guesses red for steak, which is correct, but also guesses red for quail, which is incorrect. Paul says that Evan needs some training to fit into society.

Now it's time for the etiquette lesson. In an interview, Evan says that the etiquette lessons "started out kind of odd," because his instructor stuck her hand out and he didn't know whether to "lick it or kiss it or just shake it." Lick it? If you close your eyes, Evan sounds exactly like Puddy from Seinfeld. Next time he's talking in an interview, close your eyes and imagine Puddy. For the rest of the series, I'm going to picture him wearing the 8-ball jacket and high-fiving people. Evan kisses his etiquette coach's hand, and she tells him that's wrong, so he has to wipe the kiss off. What is this, first grade? Is he wiping off his cooties? In an interview, Evan says that there was some slobber on her hand. Ew! What is wrong with him? I mean, besides the obvious.

Evan also gets some dance lessons, and worries that he stepped on his partner's foot. He did. In an interview, Evan says that construction workers don't go home and take waltzing lessons. It's a little-known fact that Gene Kelly started out as a construction worker. I just totally made that up, by the way. Paul continues to quiz Evan on wine selection. Paul says, "Foie gras." Evan has no clue what that is. I do, but I don't know what wine goes with it. I mean, it's goose livers, so it's poultry, so -- white? Keckler would know this. Cut back to the dance teacher showing Paul how to turn. Cut to the etiquette coach helping Evan figure out which silverware to use. Montage of Evan dancing, kissing hands, and choosing wine. And now he's all edumacated! Bring on the ladies!

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Joe Millionaire




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