Seacouver Beach. Some young punks drive ATVs over the sandy beach. They zoom along until they see something in the ocean. X-Treme Dude #1 says, "Hey. Whoa. Hold on. Look out there." X-Treme Dude #2 says, "Hey what's that check it out?" All three X-Treme Dudes stop in front of another naked man who has washed up on the beach. Is Seacouver having an epidemic? Are amnesiacs all the rage? Any. Way. The conversations between the Dudes are totally dubbed up until this point. How do I know this? Well, it's simple, really -- between their helmets and the sound of the engines, there's no way they would have heard each other; they simply would have signaled to one another if they wanted to stop. The Dudes jump off their ATVs and splash into the ocean to retrieve the naked guy. More fake, dubbed dialogue. The Dudes grunt and groan as they drag the poor naked guy out of the ocean and up on the beach. Finally, they pull off their freaking helmets so that a) we can see their faces and b) they can have a real conversation. They roll the naked guy over, and X-Treme Dude #2 says, "He's alive." John Doe 2 starts stuttering. X-Treme Dude #3 says, "Poor guy's wasted." X-Treme Dude #1 tells JD2 that he's going to be just fine. X-Treme Dude #2 asks, "What's your name?" All three X-Treme Dudes look at each other in a kind of scared, kind of perplexed way. JD2 looks up into the sky, shivers, and mutters, "I don't know."
John Doe HQ. John comes in, carrying his coat and dragging his tail. Karen greets him: "Hey boss-man. I got your calls." Doe doesn't answer. Karen keeps talking: "You can get 133 cable channels for $59.95 a month, including some choice porn." Because even geniuses have needs. "And the air conditioning guy can be here between two and five." Doe mutters, "I can fix it myself." She hands him some messages. Doe looks at them and asks why she's drawn a doe on every single one. Karen: "Your new logo! Get it?" First the eyes, now the deer -- um, why does he need a logo? He doesn't have a company. He's just trying to found out his identity. It's not like this quest benefits too many other people besides Doe. And not to be the only one to point out the glaringly obvious, but the Sign is already emblazoned on his chest -- isn't that enough logo for everyone? Karen reports on the actual filing work she did today. I fall dead with shock. Blah inane conversation about Arkansas, blah he's not from there, blah she won't let him be from Arkansas, blah inane trivia about Arkansas. Then, from the depths of the Not-So-Secret Lair, the computer beeps. Karen follows John into the room and asks, "What's it found?" John: "Me. It searches missing persons databases across the country for my stats." Both of them stare into the screen. Karen reads: "Six feet, 185, found floating in the ocean, naked, amnesia -- cosmic! They did find you." Maybe in Tom Cruise's reality, Dominic Purcell is six feet tall. That's right -- he is television tall. In real life, well, we all know the camera adds inches, and part of Doe's magic is believing he can control where the inches end up. Heh. John reads further: "No, wait. It's somebody else. They rescued him today." Karen, of course, jumps to wild conclusions: "Maybe he's your twin brother!" Doe swallows. "I don't know. But I'm going to find out." Karen stares into the screen after her boss leaves and cracks, "Two John Does. God help us." As long as this guy doesn't star in a spin-off, we're okay with two John Does. It's kind of a neat mystery. Ouch! No need to hit me, I was just being honest. This episode isn't so bad so far, excluding the Karen factor.