John Doe

Episode Report Card
Ragdoll: B | 531 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
Are You Sure This Isn't The X-Files?

John Doe HQ. Karen has brought in Indian Food. Right now, it's five in the morning and I can't sleep, so for some reason, even the sound of that food is making my mouth water, and I'm a vegetarian. She opens the packages of chicken vindaloo and chicken masala. They're in the Control Room. Karen asks if he's found anything. Doe examines the police file. He notes, "The case file said that he washed up on Carson Beach." Computer brain starts whirring. Blah algorithms, blah wind speed, blah tidal flow, blah reduced motion blah blah blah smart-cakes. In short, JD2 floated into Seacouver from Horseshoe Island. John circles the island on the wall map of his life and notes, "Maybe we're linked somehow?" Karen: "Whoa. Are you tripping me? Are you sure?" I think they've made Karen the dumbest human being in Seacouver -- hell, in all of Television Land USA/Canada -- just so that John Doe will look smarter. Kind of the intelligence equivalent of when they shoot the short leading men on blocks so they look like they're of normal height. John opens the fridge and does some more calculating in his head about where JD2 came from. Karen says (which actually makes sense) that if even one of his numbers is off, JD2 could have floated in from Alaska. Oh, wait, the guy was naked -- totally naked, absolutely buck-naked, naked as a jaybird, as naked as the day he came into the world -- so floating in from Alaska would mean he'd have died from exposure far before he ended up in Seacouver. Karen's so dumb.

John grabs a beer from the fridge and says, "He looked at the scar on my neck and said 'they got to you too.' I mean, who are 'they' and what did they do to him, to us?" Karen looks pensive -- oh no, just vacant, my bad. John continues, "How did we escape?" Karen: "This is getting a little DefCon 5 for me. Maybe we should close the blinds." Um, doesn't DefCon 5 mean normal readiness during peacetime? ["Yes. Shut up, Karen." -- Sars] John ignores Karen's paranoia and carries on with his whole I-am-Sam-Sam-I-am dialogue. All this time he thought he bumped his head, but what if others are involved, and they're out there looking for him, and any other JDs that might show up this season? Karen peers out the window like Michelle Pfeiffer in What Lies Beneath. She grabs the curtain, whips around, and whisper-screams, "Ohmigod! There's some scary guy down there." Doe was about to take a sip of beer, and Karen's spazz made him pause with a mouthful of suds. Heh. Beer. Heh. She whips back around to look through the window again. Then she giggles. "Oops! My bad. It's just Colin." I'm sorry. This girl is not just an idiot -- she's an idiot who would have trouble plugging in a toaster. "My ride's here. I'm cruising. I've got a big date with my boy at the show docks." She taps John on the shoulder. "Don't obsess! This could all just be some parallel universe coincidence." Pause. "Okay?" She waits for John to respond. I'm waiting for someone to club her with a smart stick. No, wait, I'd rather the girls from Charmed make a guest appearance and cast a spell to shut her up, and then never come back again. So Karen has to write notes. Oh, wait, that would be worse -- I'll bet she dots her letter "i"s with hearts and writes a peace sign after every sentence, and that would be so much worse. Off she goes to hang out with Non-Colin.

John Doe

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