John Doe
John Deux

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Ragdoll: B- | Grade It Now!
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Are You Sure This Isn't The X-Files?

We open with a John Doe Montage. Where did he come from? He woke up on an island off the coast of Seattle. Sars would happy to know that we do, in fact, see Doe's bare naked butt in all its glory. ["I missed the episode! KHAAAAAN!" -- Sars] Doe's talking in the first person about the things he didn't understand: how he knows everything; why he's been branded with a Sign; and why he's colour-blind. The woman with the blue scarf waves frantically. He says poignantly, "My name is John Doe."

Hospital. Dr. Nasty puts an x-ray of Doe's cranium on the special light box. "Perfect!" He snickers. "Or should I say it's perfect again." Both Dr. Nasty and Doe stare at the image. "We've done every test three times and they all confirm that you're in tip-top condition." Doe replies, "I don't understand." Dr. Condescension snorts, "Of course not. Electro-cardiograms, electro-encephalograms, and angiographies are obviously beyond the comprehension of a layman." Jackass. He needs to learn a little bedside manner from Dr. Carter. The doctor starts to walk away as Doe protests, "No. I understand them, I just don't understand why they don't show anything." Dr. Billy-Goat Gruff snaps, "I think we've answered that question three times over. You're perfectly healthy -- physically." Doe follows the doctor as he whips through some charts, desperately trying to get away from an abundantly healthy patient. He walks around the doctor and says, "So." Pause, so he can open his unbuttoned shirt to reveal the Sign. "What about this." You know what's cool -- I'm sure that wardrobe keeps all of Dominic's shirts unbuttoned just in case he needs to fondle, examine, illustrate, or show-and-tell his Sign. Every single shirt he wears, the top two buttons are always undone. In Seavouver. In October. He doesn't wear a scarf. His Sign must get cold. Dr. "I Wish I Were On MDs Instead Of This Damn Show" Goldbummer explains, "Birthmark?" Pause. Then he adds that it could be some other obscure skin problem. Doe scrunches up his eyebrows, and then goes on to explain in medical terminology that it can't possibly be either of the doctor's suggestions. You need two dictionaries, one thesaurus, one medical dictionary, and a full-time fact-checker to recap this show sometimes. Doe rants, "And if I'm in such perfect health, why am I colour-blind?" Doe-O-Vision. The doctor says half-heartedly, "Well, photo-receptors can degrade with age, Mr. Doe." Doe replies, "No! It's beyond a simple case of cone degeneration. I mean sometimes, I can see in perfect colour. I mean, how can that be?" Dr. Huffinpuff says slowly, "Sir." He puts his hand on the nurse's counter. "Have you considered the possibility that you're suffering from an emotional problem?" Doe looks down at his feet. "Now, if you'll excuse me." I can't believe a) the doctor discussed the results of Doe's test in the middle of the ER, and b) that they're carrying on this kind of a conversation -- a private, medical conversation -- in the middle of the waiting room. Doe has a funny way of being concerned that the world find out about his secrets.

Anyway. Doe doesn't let the doctor leave. "What about my amnesia?" Dr. "Just Stop Wasting My Time" McRush writes something down on a chart. He says, "In all likelihood, it's just an hysterical reaction." John: "I'm not hysterical. There's something different about me." Dr. McSnottypants blurts, "I'm certainly not going to argue that point." And then he books. While the patient is still trying to talk to him. Doe-O-Vision notices a kid grabbing his abdomen and wincing in pain. He asks the kid where it hurts. After seeing where the child points, he asks the mother: "Has he been nauseous, low-grade fever, bathroom a lot?" Mom nods. Doe grabs a passing male nurse and says, "There's a good chance this boy has acute appendicitis and he need to see a doctor before his appendix erupts." The nurse nods his head, then runs off to get a real doctor. Why does he listen to Doe? John's actions start a flurry in the ER waiting room. He diagnoses a man, and then tells him to get a chest x-ray. A fake Seacouver skateboarder walks over to Doe and says, "Hey, dude -- my shoulder's totally dislocated." The ENTIRE staff of the ER watches as John Doe treats three of their patients without being a doctor, nurse, nurse's aid, emergency medical technician, or hell, even a pharmaceutical representative. Anyway. Ouch. Doe puts the guy's shoulder back into place. Dr. Pissypants comes running back out, I guess because he's the only guy in this episode who isn't actually an extra, and says, "Excuse me! What are you doing?" Doe stutters, "I really need your help--" Dr. Buttnut says, "No. I want you out of here before I call security." Then he hands Doe a card for a psychiatrist. As the doctor walks away, Doe screams, "Been there. Done that. Don't you get it? I don't know my own name!" Then he flips off the doctor before he leaves the hospital. Okay, he doesn't flip off the doctor, but he does fling the card aside with reckless abandon and heedless disrespect for potential paper cuts.

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John Doe

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