John Doe
John Deux

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Ragdoll: B- | Grade It Now!
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Are You Sure This Isn't The X-Files?

Doe's Speed Vision. He drives past the mysterious car parked near Digger's restaurant, just outside his house, and mysterious music plays. The car speeds off! Doe catches a glimpse of the man in the back of the car. He looks mysterious. Then Doe goes home.

John Doe HQ. A single eye, not unlike the ones Karen was painting on the walls last week (ahhh!), peers through a microscope. John examines the paint chip, because the lab at the police station just wouldn't have done a good enough job. Earth to John Doe! Oh, wait -- he might be an alien. Anyway. For the eight millionth time: You. Are. Not. A. Cop. Captain Jamie, just give him a honorary badge already. But then that would give him license to do all this stuff and sort of take away his edge. Right. Recapping. Karen, the triple threat of dumb, dumber, and dumbest, cleans up Doe's mess from last night. She asks, "What is it?" He answers, "Paint chip." She replies, "And you're obsessed with this why?" She scrubs a pot. The blood is only on the bottom; the top was clean, and the bloodstain would have pulled it off. Karen snits, "You need a maid. I had no idea this was part of the job description." Isn't she his assistant? Doesn't she bring him food all the time? Wouldn't that mean she might, once in a while, have to clean up some dishes?

According to John's brain-cyclopedia, the paint is lead based, dating it pre-1972, the year Congress passed The Lead-Base Paint Poisoning Prevention Act. Karen: "You should go on the road!" And here we go with the mind-numbing suggestions again. "'Stump John Doe' -- you could bag some serious coin." Because the stock market is treating him so unkindly, he needs to start a freak show. Come on, John's no Bubble Boy -- why would anyone want him in their freak show? Plus, it's kind of boring to hear someone drone on about facts all the time. Any. Way. I really wish that every comment of Karen's didn't send me into a five-page tirade against the writers of this show. It certainly would save me some time, because I feel like I've been recapping this episode forever. Where were we? Oh yeah, the paint chip, the newest in a long line of clues to John Doe's existence. It's like he's trapped in Groundhog Day, only instead of Bill Murray, he's some strange mixture of Sherlock Holmes, Inspector Abberline, and Angela Lansbury. Doe examines some graphs on his laptop. From the different percentages of blue, black, white, and yellow in the paint, he finds that it's Snoquaimie White. From there, he recites, "Last sold July 12, 1941, to contractors for exclusively big industrial projects." Karen examines a pot, walks to the garbage pan, and says, "Screw it -- you can afford non-stick pans." They have yet another Karen-really-cares-about-John conversation. A: Have you been getting enough sleep lately? B: Do you know fish sleep with their eyes open? A: Ohmigod, why do I even bother? John says, "Karen. I've got to get to the bottom of this. No sleep, no rest. Whatever it takes, I've got to find the man who washed up on the beach." She asks him to be careful, and he says he'll take his chances. From the paint chip, he found a probable match, one Warnkes Department store, closed in 1948, with no subsequent permit filings. Karen: "Cool. To the Batmobile, Robin."

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John Doe

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