John Doe
John Deux

Episode Report Card
Ragdoll: B- | Grade It Now!
Are You Sure This Isn't The X-Files?

The International Man Of Mystery car pulls up to the abandoned department store. John breaks into the old building and starts looking around with a flashlight. Water drips, and for a second, he's totally freaked out because he sees a mirror or something and dances the flashlight all over the place. Kind of ironic that a man who doesn't even know who he is seems scared to death of his own shadow. Anyway. The place is John Doe's version of a fun house, not haunted, but with lots of clues, and lights drawing him forward. Doe slams a fire extinguisher through a boarded-up door, grabs his flashlight, and goes inside. There's a mattress! Then slam! Someone locks him inside. Immediately, he slams against the door with the fire extinguisher. When that doesn't work, he sees an old rag, breaks off the top of the extinguisher, lights the rags on fire, tosses the extinguisher on the fire, then hides behind a strategically placed table for protection. Bam! Well, he got the door open. I think they should call him John MacGyver instead of John Doe.

Once he's outside, the Mystery Man reveals himself, he's got a French accent -- how intriguing. Yawn. He comments on John's quick-thinking escape, "Very ingenious, yes." John: "Where's the man from the hospital?" Mr. French: "Like a curious cat, so persistent in your truth." Say it with me, people: curiosity killed the cat. Yes, you know what -- we get that too. Doe says, "Who are you?" I half expect the man to say, "I'm Cigarette-Smoking Man's French Canadian cousin," but he replies, "I'm a doctor." Mr. French continues, "Or I used to be." John: "Why have you been following me?" His adversary responds, "Who's been following who, John Doe?" Pause for introspection. "John Doe. I do love that name." Blah John Doe, blah his Identity Quest, blah French mockery blah. John slams Mr. French against the wall and says, "Enough! Tell me what the hell is going on." Mr. French whisper-screams, "I am healer. I give life where there was none to be left." Mr. French won't give it up; he's keeping his reasons well under wraps. John: "Why me? What does it all have to do with me?" Mr. French: "That's the question of the hour. I certainly didn't encourage you to keep knocking on the closed doors. We warned you. That poor Brunellas." Pause. "Another dead employee." Mr. French turns around -- man, he's even got a goatee! This makes him what, Stereotype #6: The Foreign Man With A Host Of Clues Who's Really The Bad Guy? Lots of these characters show up in Mission Impossible, or even any James Bond movie.

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John Doe




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