John Doe
John Deux

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Are You Sure This Isn't The X-Files?

Doe stutters, moves his cuffed hands around, and replies, "I'm as charming as can be?" Captain Jamie rolls her eyes, unimpressed with that response, and says, "Yeah. What'd you get yourself into this time?" Doe stands up and walks toward her: "I need to see a case file. That unidentified man that was on the beach." Jamie tells McBurly that she'll take it from here, then turns to Doe: "Why?" John says he might know him, or JD2 might know Doe. Jamie snaps, "Which is it?" Doe begs, "Please. Just five minutes." Captain Jamie's not impressed. "Not good enough. Tina, come back and process this guy." Doe: "Jamie, come on, we've been through a lot." Jamie: "Which is exactly why I'm sick of the International Man Of Mystery routine, and it's 'Lieutenant Avery.'" Jamie struts off on her high horse. For her, it's a white horse to match her crisp white blouse, which must be tucked in way too tight because something is certainly jamming up her ass. John Doe turns around to address Det. Kerrigan: "News footage showed a sailfish tattoo on your suspect's left forearm. Your case, Kerrigan? Oil platform roughnecks give them to each other." Kerrigan's hooked. "I'd start a background search in Morgan City, Louisiana. Ground zero for off-shore oil drilling." Doe's waving his handcuffed hands all around, but the magic isn't working. At least we know he's not a magician, on top of everything else. Kerrigan shrugs his shoulders and asks, "Are you one of these tarot-card types?" Which is a silly thing to say, and kind of ignorant considering that tarot cards interpret the future, and only after you ask really specific questions, while Doe's pretty much just stating facts. John responds, correctly, that no, he's not a psychic; he just reads the papers and makes deductions. Kerrigan raises his eyebrows and turns back to his desk. Jamie comes out of her office and gives Doe a look. Aw, she gives in: "Fine. I'll see what we can dig up." He holds out his wrists like an expectant child. Jamie grins and says, "Beggars can't be choosers. Besides, I kind of like you under lock and key." Kinky. Doe hangs his head in shame, or perhaps frustration -- it could go either way.

John Doe HQ. Karen has brought in Indian Food. Right now, it's five in the morning and I can't sleep, so for some reason, even the sound of that food is making my mouth water, and I'm a vegetarian. She opens the packages of chicken vindaloo and chicken masala. They're in the Control Room. Karen asks if he's found anything. Doe examines the police file. He notes, "The case file said that he washed up on Carson Beach." Computer brain starts whirring. Blah algorithms, blah wind speed, blah tidal flow, blah reduced motion blah blah blah smart-cakes. In short, JD2 floated into Seacouver from Horseshoe Island. John circles the island on the wall map of his life and notes, "Maybe we're linked somehow?" Karen: "Whoa. Are you tripping me? Are you sure?" I think they've made Karen the dumbest human being in Seacouver -- hell, in all of Television Land USA/Canada -- just so that John Doe will look smarter. Kind of the intelligence equivalent of when they shoot the short leading men on blocks so they look like they're of normal height. John opens the fridge and does some more calculating in his head about where JD2 came from. Karen says (which actually makes sense) that if even one of his numbers is off, JD2 could have floated in from Alaska. Oh, wait, the guy was naked -- totally naked, absolutely buck-naked, naked as a jaybird, as naked as the day he came into the world -- so floating in from Alaska would mean he'd have died from exposure far before he ended up in Seacouver. Karen's so dumb.

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John Doe

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