John Doe
Manifest Destiny

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Ragdoll: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Let's Get "Real"

The air gun is back on the reverend's seat, and Inspector Clueless screams, "Not working!" after each time John pushes the activation button. The gun goes off soon after, and the inspector smiles, "That's it!" John says that the killer couldn't have activated the gun from any further back then where he's standing. Inspector Clueless says once again that he wants everyone back in his or her seats. John steps in and asks the stewardess if the section was full, which it wasn't, meaning the killer could have slipped into one of the unassigned seats and set off the gun. John walks away from his antagonist and into first class, where Rachel is finally taking care of the pilot. She asks if they're making progress, and John says, "Not enough." Blah what an awful way to die, blah poison, blah events, blah dee boring blah. They philosophize about the victims, and wonder who would want to kill a reverend who works in a homeless shelter. John continues to think about the case, to work it out, to get to the bottom of it -- and bam! Quicker then Emeril can toss some salt, John says that maybe the reverend wasn't the intended victim.

John jumps back to the "Stewardess Only" section and asks for the manifest. See, as much as Irony just wanted a little rest, she had to join Evil on this vacation, because this damn episode is called "Manifest Destiny." See, the plane's manifest holds all the answers to the mystery stepping in front of John's destiny, which can, at this moment, only be found in Rachel. Someone please stop me from poking my eyes out with toothpicks. John wants to know why some names are handwritten and some typed. The stewardess explains that changes are made at the gate. The reverend's name is handwritten, meaning someone else was supposed to sit in that seat. What happened? The stewardess said that person probably cancelled or upgraded their seat to first class. John: "I need to know who was originally in the minister's seat." Why? "Because maybe the minister wasn't supposed to die." The stewardess says, "So the real victim is still alive?" John looks at the manifest for another second, and then says they've got to remove the ink with a "counter-agent." He starts sniffing people along the rows until he finds a man with aftershave. He then mixes the aftershave with some water, shakes it up in a barf bag, pours it on the paper, rubs it around for a while, and uncovers the name Rachel Pembroke. Oh! My! Gosh! She's the intended victim. Damn. I couldn't have seen that coming with a ten-foot pole.

John screams, "Rachel!" and "Rachel!" and follows that up with a little more "Rachel!" Now an angry mob, for some godforsaken reason, thinks that this crazy behaviour means that he, John Doe, is the killer. So you know their reaction? Yeah, they lock him into the bathroom. Of course, while all of this is going on, voices in the background say, "He did it!" and "He's the killer" and "Leave him alone he's just trying to help," and most poignantly, "Lock him in the bathroom." Ah, thank goodness for voice-over. It's totally making my day. It's hilarious. So John starts to flail around the bathroom because he suddenly remembers he's claustrophobic. He screams, "Rachel!" a couple more times, tosses his arms around like he's a windmill, and really just freaks out.

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John Doe

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