John Doe

Episode Report Card
Kim: B- | Grade It Now!

Naked Man heads out to the streets. He voice-overs that maybe he was "skinny-dipping with [his] best girl" and got caught up in a tsunami and washed out to sea. His best girl? Is he a refugee from the 1950s? He catches his reflection in a window and stares at it. He opens the raincoat to reveal a scar on his right pectoral. It looks like the letter C, but with some lines through the bottom and a circle in the top. There are some dots, but I can't tell if they are part of the scar or, like, zits. Someone calls out to Naked Man and asks if he knows the way to Westlake Center. Naked Man immediately gives perfect directions. He voice-overs that he knows everything, "from the exact ingredients in a box of Apple Jacks to the mating habits of a quagga zebra, and everything in between."

Naked Man walks up to the reference desk at the public library. He orders the librarian (who, of course, is a woman with her hair in a bun) to ask him anything. She asks his name. He flinches and tells her to ask a different question. A patron comes up and asks about a book. Naked Man starts reciting all of the information he knows about the book, and we see on the librarian's computer that he's correct. A crowd starts gathering and people throw out questions, and of course, he gets all of the answers correct. In some cases, he gives them more information than they asked for. Hey, nobody likes a know-it-all. In his case, literally. It's kind of annoying because the actors who get to play patrons asking questions all try to imbue their lines with something memorable for their clip reel, so they're all smirky. Finally, Debbie Downer yells out plaintively, "When will I die?" The fuck? What kind of trivia question is that? I thought it would've been funny if someone else had yelled out, "Not soon enough, honey!" Naked Man turns around and looks at her, considering the question. He voice-overs that he doesn't know the answer to that question.

Naked Man walks through the pouring rain. If he's so smart, why doesn't he go somewhere warm and dry? He voice-overs that he's not psychic, and again offers up some options as to what he might be: "Escaped mental patient? Alien that sees in black and white? Government lobotomy experiment?" He concludes that for someone with all the answers, he doesn't have the one that matters most. Yeah, how to survive on FOX Friday nights. Naked Man spots a horse racing form lying on the ground.

Cut to the betting window. Naked Man slaps down his wet form (he couldn't get a fresh one?) and some pocket change, stating that he wants to bet the trifecta. The counter guy is like, "Nice pocket change, dude." Naked Man explains how he scrounged the money, and takes his betting ticket. I just made up that name. I don't know what the slip of paper is really called. But I bet about a third of you totally bought that. Hey, maybe I know everything! Ask me a question. No, I don't know the answer to that. Crap. Back to recapping. Naked Man voice-overs that he's basing his bet on statistical probability. He rushes off to watch his race on the monitor. He practically has an orgasm when his horse comes in. He bets all of his winnings on the next race. Orgasm face again. More betting. Orgasm face. More betting, and he's getting cocky this time, so you know he's going to lose it all. He voice-overs that there's only one sure thing in this life: "The fact that there are no sure things." His horse goes down on the track. Naked Man goes to place another bet, but he's a lot nicer to the counter guy this time. His horse comes in, and the counter guy pays out $12,000. Do they really hand out that kind of cash at betting parlors? You'd think he'd get a check or something. Because there's an OTB about five minutes from my house, and now I'm worried that it's going to get knocked over if they keep that kind of cash around. I do like the fact that the writers are acknowledging all of the things you'd do if you woke up in this situation -- that is, test the limits of your knowledge, and then try to figure out a way to use it to get rich fast. And have sex. Maybe that's what comes next. Hey, I've already seen his ass. It's a logical progression.

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John Doe




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