John Doe
The Mourner

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Kim: B- | Grade It Now!
The Mourner

Lt. Bosslady radios in for the bomb squad. The owner struts out and asks what's going on. Lt. Bosslady shows him the bomb and then orders everyone to file out calmly. As the patrons and strippers start to leave, a robot voice comes over the PA and orders everyone to retake their seats because their lives depend on it. He calls on John Doe. John takes Lt. Bosslady's radio and talks into it. Is the voice coming through her radio? Because it really sounds like it's coming over the loudspeakers. So why does John have to talk into the radio? I don't know. John asks the killer to let the innocent people go. The killer refuses, because he wants to play a game. Lt. Bosslady asks Frank how the killer got on a secure frequency, and Frank says that either he's an insider or he stole a police radio. Hmm -- what outsider has been in the police station recently? Who could it be? John asks how to disarm the explosive. The killer says it's not an explosive; it's sarin gas. In order to keep it from being activated, John has to "create a rainbow." The killer also knows that John is color-blind. John wonders how the killer knew that, but the killer ignores him to explain that there are four strippers wearing differently colored lingerie on stage, and John has to arrange them in rainbow order. John can't ask for or receive help with the colors, and the game will end when the song does. If the strippers aren't in proper order, the gas will be released. Hee! Gas being released.

The music starts, and John mumbles about our old pal, Roy G. Biv. Which always bugged me as a kid, because I had no idea what color indigo was. I got blue, and I got violet, but indigo threw me for a loop, until I realized that it was the shade in between blue and violet. Duh. John looks at the first stripper's outfit, and recalls that it only comes in two colors: black and red. Since there is no black in the rainbow, it must be red, so she goes first. The stripper thinks the whole thing is bullshit, so John yells out that their lives are in danger. Way to keep them calm, John. Lt. Bosslady orders Frank to have the bomb squad on standby and clear the area outside the building. John figures out that the second stripper is wearing yellow boots and she confirms that her boots match her outfit, so she goes second. Lt. Bosslady asks the owner if there is anyplace in the club where the killer could be hiding. Cut to the killer, in a back office, watching John on a monitor. The final stripper whines that she's too young to die, because she turns nineteen in two months. John realizes that her birthstone is amethyst, which is purple, and asks if her outfit matches her earrings. How he knew her earrings were amethyst for sure, I don't know. I mean, does everyone only wear jewelry with his or her birthstone in it? John places her fourth in line, so we never do get to find out how he figured out that the third girl was wearing blue, but whatever. The song ends. The gas canister stops beeping, and the killer congratulates John. Lt. Bosslady busts into the back office, which is now empty. Frank says, "Damn it. This guy's everywhere." Lt. Bosslady adds, "Yeah. And nowhere." Hee! Sometimes the dialogue is so bad that I just have to giggle. The camera pans down to reveal a police radio left on the chair. So I guess the voice was coming over the radio and not the PA. Well, it sure was loud and non-staticky.

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John Doe




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