1) Pour myself a stiff drink.
2) Sob for twenty minutes about regrettable life choices.
3) Drink No. 2.
4) Trick some gullible intern into finishing my assignment for me.
Hope that proved illustrative.
Elsewhere in Imperial Beach, Cissy's on the phone, spewing venom about Tina. Bold, bold talk for someone who folded like Superman on laundry day the night before. "Just because every degenerate in America jerks off to his mother's videos," Cissy shouts over the phone, and we'll cut her off there because Shaun is lying in bed, eyes wide open, drinking in every last hateful syllable. It's apparently Mitch that Cissy's on the line with, and I don't think I'm getting ahead of myself when I say that this will be Mitch's only appearance in tonight's performance, and I, for one, couldn't be more ecstatic. Seriously, Milch -- if you can guarantee me that Mitch assumes cameo-like status on this program the rest of the year (and maybe takes Cissy with him), you will not hear one negative peep out of me for the remainder of calendar 2007. Deal?
Shaun comes in, and Cissy, having completed this morning's angry outburst to Mitch, wishes him a good morning. "You didn't have to shout about her, Gram," says Shaun, ignoring Cissy's question about whether she woke him up. "I knew already." And with that, he slaps a DVD down on the table still in its original plastic wrapping -- Moist Thighs, Pink Bottoms 3 is the title, and Tina is our cover girl. Now let's pause it here for a second. At the risk of making you think less than you already do of your old pal Mr. Sobell, let me confess to watching, owning, and quite possibly financing my share of adult features. And I draw upon this considerable expertise to tell you that Moist Thighs, Pink Bottoms strikes me as might bit twee for a title, unless there's some sort of Merchant Ivory producing team in the porn business whose work I'm not familiar with. I mean, what were your rejected titles, Milch? Unsavory Sexual Practices by Tawdry Lasses? Tales of Ribaldry and Shame? "I say, Miss Gilchrest -- your bottom is looking decidedly unpink today." "Is it, Lord Mawbry?" "Indeed. I am afraid I must give it the thrashing of its life." I...seem to have wandered off topic. "Where did you get this?" Cissy screams about Shaun's illicit porn stash, but he's already out of the house. By the time Cissy get outside, Shaun is already on the street; he turns to her and says, "You hurt my feelings, Gram. You did." And having put his grandmother's shit in the street, he rolls off on his skateboard, hopefully to call other people in this show on their crappy behavior. ("Grandpa, nobody cares about your mystic bullshit. Dad, maybe hose yourself down every once in a while.") Cissy looks stricken.