John From Cincinnati
His Visit: Day Four

Episode Report Card
Mr. Sobell: D+ | Grade It Now!
The Guns of Imperial Beach

You know what's not such a good scene, however? More of Cissy, the cursing, snarling wild woman of Imperial Beach. She's at the surf shop now, dragging Shaun behind her and demanding to know where Kai is and taking the Lord's name in vain. So, you know, typical morning for her. Shaun is instructed to stay in the store and keep the doors locked. He asks who was outside the house, but he's met with more fiercely delivered instructions on not letting any persons unknown into the shop. "I'm never going to get to surf anymore," Shaun pouts. "That should be the worst of our problems," Cissy spits, making a sudden move to the counter and causing Shaun to flinch. "Have I...ever hit you?" a wounded Cissy demands? Only verbally, Shaun's eyes seem to say. "If I hit you, you'll know it," Cissy says, before leaving. And we are supposed to be rooting against the porn star to regain custody why exactly?

Linc is strolling outside a fashionable hotel when Tina pulls up to the valet in her red sports car -- the wages of sin may be death, I guess, but it seems like the benefits package is pretty good. Linc is standing next to a statue of a guy sitting on a bench when Tina strolls by; he makes an awkward joke about said statue and because this is TV and because he looks like Luke Perry, she's charmed. If this were real-life and he looked like, oh say, Mr. Sobell, he'd be staring at the business end of a mace dispenser. This is the exact same time that John and Cass come strolling out of the hotel past Linc and his new-found lady friend, which is awkward. "So, did you get your end near the lady, my brother?" Linc asks John. I think we all know that John is just going to brightly say, "I got my end near the lady, my brother" and keep walking, so let's say that he did, and get on with this scene. Cass and John walk off ("I boned her and broke her jaw," John says; "Guess I'll have to give her a combat bonus," Linc quips), and Tina seems to conclude that Linc is some sort of pimp. In a sense, that's an entirely accurate description, but I think she thinks he's a literal pimp. It's just as well because Linc seems to assume that Tina is some sort of hooker. Ah, misunderstandings.

Cut to Cissy making a beeline for Kai's trailer, where Kai and Butchie are still sleeping off the least sanitary love-making ever engaged in since the Enlightenment. "Kai!," Cissy screams while shaking the trailer. Hmmm -- don't think I quite captured the way Cissy shouted that. Here, let's try this -- grab your tongue and, as quickly as you can, try and yank it out of your throat by the root. Now, just before the pain causes you to temporarily black out, try and say the word "Kai" at the top of your lungs. That's sort of what Cissy sounds like here, as she delivers the rest of this dialogue: "GET. TO. THE. SHOP. ... SHUT. UP. AND. GET. DOWN. THERE. AND. KEEP AN EYE ON SHAUN.. ... LOCK. THE. DOOR. BEHIND. YOU. DON'T. LET. ANYBODY. IN. ...THAT PORN SLUT WHO MADE SHAUN WITH MY SCUMBAG SON AND LEFT HIM ON MY DOORSTEP FOR ME TO RAAAAAAAAAAAAISE IS BACK IN I.B DON'T. LET. ANYBODY. IN. SHE MIGHT HAVE HIRED A LAWYER! TO SERVE PAPERS! I'M GOING HOME SO THAT IF SHE COMES BACK, I WILL BE THERE TO PUT A BULLET IN HER HEART."

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John From Cincinnati




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