John From Cincinnati
His Visit: Day Nine

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The End Is Here

Speaking of confusion, Shaun apparently said something very puzzling to Mitch and Cissy right before the camera cut there, because Cissy is repeating things incredulously: "You 'got some good ones'? They 'want to sponsor' you? What does that mean, Shaunie?" What it means is that Shaun would like to move in with his dad and John over at Snug Harbor: A Barry Cunningham Motel. Cissy plays the whole does-that-mean-you-don't-love-us-anymore-card while Shaun stares vacantly ahead. I'd say that his disappearance has turned him into some sort of flat, emotionless zombie, but he was sort of like that before, wasn't he? Anyhow, Mitch seems rather resigned to the whole little-chick-leaving-the-nest thing: "Maybe it is time," he says. You can guess how well Cissy takes that announcement: "You're sending Shaunie to live with Butchie and that asshole that just ran off with him?" Think for a moment how much more enjoyable the 1980s sitcom My Two Dads would have been with a title like that -- My Dad and the Asshole Who Just Ran Off With Me, Sundays on NBC! "How can you be that fucking thick?" Cissy demands. Yeah, this discussion is fascinating and all, but Shaun's got places to be. "I love you, Gramps," he says. "I love you, Gram. I'm going to hope over the fence." And away he goes, leaving Mitch and Cissy to cope with empty-nest syndrome in addition to their simmering hatred of one another.

So Mitch heads into the other room, while Cissy watches Shaun leave. When she turns back to Mitch, wouldn't you know it, the son of a bitch is levitating again, finally right in front of Cissy's eyes. Now gather your friends and family, it's time to play "How Will Cissy React to This?" Will she (1) fall to her knees in wonderment over the miracle in front of her; (2) wonder aloud what strange, mystical forces are at work; (3) make Mitch a tuna fish sandwich; or (4) say something angry and confrontational? Go ahead, folks, don't be shy -- place your bets. Cissy, take it away: "Get back down here," Cissy snaps. Ah, (4) -- collect your winnings! "Could you turn off the fan?" Mitch pleads, as he eyes the ceiling fan with growing unease. Okay, round two: will Cissy: (1) turn the ceiling fan up to "liquefy"; (2) chuck old fruits and vegetables at Mitch's head...

At the Snug Harbor, Butchie has returned, murmuring about how his parents are "pissing in [Shaun's] ear." Linc wonders if John has a mother; "My Mother is My Father," John says. So, a non-traditional household, then? "My mother is a cunt with earflaps," Butchie mutters. Well, that's...a visual. And that inspires John to observe, "Your mother has turned herself into the worst ball-buster known to man so no one would be around her, and she wouldn't have to be afraid she'd do something like that again. That's how ashamed of herself she was." You may recognize this dialogue from here; don't you just hate summer reruns? Anyhow, John continues: "Mitch wipes out. Mitch wipes out Cissy. Cissy shows Butchie how to do that --" cue the jerk-off gesture, as Butchie grows increasingly uncomfortable -- "Butchie hurts Barry's head. Mr. Rollins comes in Barry's face. We are all frail vessels." And having finished his Greatest Hits number, John turns with a flourish and exits into Butchie's room. "John's going all Psychic Hotline on us, huh?" Linc observes. "Going"?

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John From Cincinnati

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