John From Cincinnati
His Visit: Day Six

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Mr. Sobell: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Are You There, God? It's Me, Weirdo

Anyhow, enough of Palaka's problems -- let's turn our attention to the hospital attorney who is there to get Cissy to sign away all her legal rights close the books on Shaun's case. She's about to do it, too, when the hospital lawyer overplays his hand by indicating that Cissy will agree that they took Shaun off the premises against medical advice. She tells the attorney to buzz off. "Ma? Ma, is that you?" a now-delusional Palaka asks as he crawls around the floor. "Strange way to show your appreciation, Mrs. Yost," the lawyer sniffs on his way out the door, "to the hospital that saved your grandson." "Bill's bird saved my grandson," Cissy counters -- and without attending a highly regarded medical school, too. Anyhow, she vows to have Meyer Dickstein overlook the paperwork, but the hospital lawyer is unimpressed. "The Errol Flynn lookalike on the back cover of the Yellow Pages," he chortles. "You sure you want to go there, Frankenstein?" Cissy retorts. Touché. Also, ouch. The lawyer leaves in a huff, and Cissy turns her attention back to Palaka. She wants to know if there's anyone she can call. "I can boil my own toast," Palaka replies. I would take that as a "No."

Tina is sprucing up in her hotel room, wearing a white tank top with pink spots on it that, at first glance, made me think she was some sort of cutter or performing off-the-books medical procedures in addition to the porn work and occasional hooking. I see now that this was a silly assumption, and I apologize for leaping to that conclusion. Anyhow, there's a knock at the door. It's Zack Morris, dropping in for a chat before meeting Slater for drinks down at the hotel bar. Guess Tina's the mysterious "she" in room 244. Zack introduces himself as both a friend of Linc's and the vice president of his company -- he's paying Tina a visit because he's real concerned about Linc's odd behavior: "Linc's having some sort of midlife crisis." "And you're here to help him through it," Tina says, only a little bit dubiously. If by "help," you mean "exploit for your own nefarious ends," then yes -- that's just what Zack Morris is here to do. More honest than he was with Kelly Kapowski before the prom, at any rate.

Butchie and Dwayne arrive at the surf shop and find it closed. "Ten-thirty in the morning," Butchie marvels. "No wonder they're going broke. Hey, where is everyone?" That last question is directed at the guy manning the skate rental booth near the shop; he's dressed like Jimmy Buffett would be if he were a 1940s detective instead of a pop singer. ("The name's Buffett, James Buffett. And this is The Case of the Lost Shaker of Salt.") Jimmy Buffett, beach detective, tells Butchie that his mother split "with some little guy in her car." That nobody seems the least bit surprised by this suggests that Cissy is in the habit of spiriting at off at all hours of the day with twitchy little guys. Looks like this is another case for...Jimmy Buffett, Beach Detective!

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John From Cincinnati

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