Judging Amy
Crowded House

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Crowded House

Halls of Justice. Amy sunnily greets Bruce, telling him his shirt is a "good color on [him]," although she thinks it would look even better on her bedroom floor. Okay, she leaves the last bit off. You know she's thinking it. She yammers that her docket is light, and she's in a wonderful mood. Bruce laughs, because he knows that her happiness will be short-lived. He tells her that another judge broke his collarbone, and all his cases have been given to her. First up: fifteen-year-old Lizzie Turton, who stabbed her Home Ec teacher with a pair of scissors. Bruce tells the now deeply depressed judge to lighten up, because things could be worse: She could have been the Home Ec teacher. Ba dum dum! Thank you folks, he'll be here all week!

In the courtroom, the aforesaid Lizzie Turton stares balefully at Amy. She looks like she just escaped from a community theatre production of Annie, in which she played the title role, red ringlets and all. DCF tells the court that the charge is "assault with the attempt to commit murder," since the attack on the Home Ec teacher was savage and unprovoked, and the teacher nearly died. Lizzie's counsel is played by the actress who played Thelma on Amen!. How humiliated am I, that I know that? Anyway, Thelma tells the court that Lizzie suffers from "Disassociative Identity Disorder," which is basically another term for Multiple Personality Disorder. DCF gets pissy because Thelma never told him she was going to be working the Multiple Personality angle. Thelma turns to him and reminds him that she informed him DID was her primary defense. He whines that she never mentioned anything about multiple personalities. Thelma looks at him like he's a moron and explains what everyone in the courtroom and North America just learned: that it's the same damn thing! Amy asks if Thelma has psych evaluations to back this theory up. Thelma does. She explains that Lizzie doesn't even remember the attack, because she was quite literally not herself. Instead, as far as they can tell, she was "Vanessa." I always wondered, how are the other personalities named? Do they sort of name themselves? What does that mean, then? I guess for our purposes, that question is really neither here nor there, I just wonder. Anyway. Amy stares at Thelma dumbly. We go to credits.

At DCF, Maxine is approached by "Veronica Welsh," a young mother who needs help: She's afraid that she's going to hurt her baby. Maxine calmly offers her a seat, and establishes that Veronica has not yet harmed her baby, Nicholette, but that she's working two jobs, barely making ends meet, and is at the end of her rope. Veronica tells Maxine that she just needs someone to take the baby for a week. Maxine explains that it doesn't work that way: If she surrenders Nicholette to DCF, she'll have a hell of a time getting her back. Maxine channels Wilson Phillips and asks Veronica to hold on for one more day (Veronica moans and beats her breast dramatically at this suggestion), after which they can talk about food stamps and whatnot. Maxine calmly promises that someone will help Veronica, and sings that things are gonna be okay / Hold on for one more day-ay. Veronica bites her lower lip.

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Judging Amy

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